Sunday, September 30, 2012

What's that smell?

Hello.  My name is E and I fart.  Whew.  Glad I got that out of the way.  I wish I had done that 20 years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of stress and stomach cramps, that's for sure.  We all fart people, it's a fact of life.  Yes, a smelly fact but still a fact.
  Do you know how many times I had to cover up an accidental "put-put" in public?  You name it, I've done it.  You casually look around to see if anyone is making the stink face, praying everyone around you has a cold or was born with a horrible sense of smell so they don't figure you out.  And just when you think it's safe and the gas Gods got your back you realize your surrounded by your own thick cloud of fart.  I mean if it smells that bad to you it's got to be about 10times worse for everyone else.  And then you spring into action, quickly scrunch up your face and cover your nose with one hand while fanning around you with the other.  If you can't pretend it didn't happen just overreact and act completely offended that some disgusting person just had the audacity to fart IN PUBLIC!!  How gross!!
  Just for a second imagine if we lived in a world where farting was cool, even funny.  Oh wait!  Never mind just imagine your a dude!  Why is it that guys can act completely gross and obnoxious and it's somehow funny but let a girl pass a little wind and she's a dirty hoochie with no morals.  Wtf?  I mean I was in yoga the other day and this old guy just let's one loose in the middle of a pose and besides a few giggles nothing was said.  I have a feeling if I had been the one releasing toxins into the air every girl in that room would still be avoiding me.  I mean come on people lets be realistic here, girls have buttholes just like guys do and.... Yes I'm going to say it... Stuff comes out of them!  Stinky, smelly, ungirly-like stuff.  So just get over it.
We need a movement... Women we must unite.  Let's fight against this fart oppressing society and start a revolution!  Because lets face it, this clenching your butt cheeks together til your blue in the face shit gets old.  And honestly, I think all those times in school when I pretended to be beat boxing to play off the noise I just released from my ass, was just a waste of time.  I mean who randomly starts beat boxing in the middle of algebra anyway?  I can't even rap.
  We could call our new movement PFFF.  People For Farting Freedom.  Get it PFFF?  It's like a fart noise... Get it?  Whatever.
Anyway... Just sayin'.
  The next time you let one lose in public don't try to play it off or blame the poor schmuck sitting next to you. Just widen your eyes, drop your jaw, gasp and say, "Did you hear what that asshole just said!?"

Friday, September 28, 2012


What's up with all these pansies?  Are there women out there who are seriously turned on by skinny jeans and swooping bangs?  (I'm talking about straight women here). How can anyone over the age of 12 look at Justin Bieber and think, "now he is hot." I mean seriously?  If you were my boyfriend, Justin I would punch you in the throat for thinking you're a stud when half the girls who like you could probably bench press more than you can.  I mean for real.  What does he weigh like 80lbs?  No offense to the skinny guys out there... Some skinny guys are strong but I just can't figure out what people think is so hot about this kid.  I mean damn, my voice is even deeper than his.  My 4year old daughter could kick his ass.  
  And what's up with all these metrosexual dudes?  Am I just old fashioned or what?  If a guy takes longer to do his hair than I do he deserves to get punched in the nuts.  What happened to tough, strong, dirty, sweaty men?  If I can't touch your hair cause it's styled and you smell better than I do than why don't I just say "fuck it" and become a lesbian?  They'd probably be better in bed than your pansie ass anyway.  (sorry Mom and Dad if your reading this). 
  Just so you know, this is all hypothetical since I'm married to a MAN who ,despite my best efforts , can still throw me over his shoulder and tickle me til I squeal like a little girl.  I'm just sayin'. 
Guys put down the hair gel and go find your balls.  PAHLEASE!!  

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Coffee, oh how I love you!

   Have you ever woken up with a 4 year old standing 2 feet in front of you staring at your face?  Isn't it weird?  Sometimes I wonder if she has been up for hours sipping coffee and watching cartoons before she decided to come into my room and try to burn holes through my eyeballs with her stare.  Does she think since she doesn't say anything it doesn't count as waking Mommy up?  We have a strict rule in this house... Well I have a strict rule which no one around here seems to want to follow.  NO WAKING MOMMY UP!  Hello?  It's it that hard?  I mean surely my kids can find a way to entertain themselves for a few hours without needing my assistance.
  Everyone who knows me also knows I'm like an grizzly waking up from hibernation when I don't get enough sleep.  Get the hell out of my way and give me some damn coffee.  Which brings me to my second rule that no one likes to follow... No talking to mommy until she's had her coffee.
  I'm not sure when I became so dependent on coffee.  I used to be one of those people who just drank coffee to feel old and important.  Oh yea I remember... it all started the day after I decided to push out another 8lb baby and give up on the idea of ever getting another full night of uninterrupted sleep.  Duh... How could I forget that?
  Now every morning I stand in front of the coffee maker with one eye open cursing it under my breath.  'Come on you damn coffee maker can't you move any faster!?'.
  Don't judge me.  I know I could set the coffee maker the night before but after my kids go to bed I like to pretend I'm 21 again and drink beer.  Planning ahead would definitely ruin the fantasy.  And besides my coffee maker and I have a love/hate relationship.  I cuss at it and tell it it's useless and once it's done making my coffee I apologize and tell it how much I love it and how it's my most favorite appliance in the kitchen.  Careful to whisper so the microwave doesn't hear.  My microwave has a temper.
Anyway... Just sayin'. I like my coffee and my sleep.  But if I had to get rid of one I would most certainly take the sleep but since sleep decided to ditch me for someone younger who doesn't deserve it I've been forced to settle for coffee.  Don't tell the coffee maker I said that.  He's still upset about this morning.