Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Objectify Men.

Ok.  Time for a new movement...  It's time we women take our power back.  I mean lets keep it real, we hold all the power anyway.  It's time we put it to good use.
  First, I propose we start beauty pageants for men.  We'll call them hottie pageants or the eye candy parade.   We'll make them flex their muscles while they answer questions about cooking and how to properly worship a woman... All while shirtless of course.
  Second, we start cat calling.  When a hot guy walks into a room all the females start whistling and saying stuff like, "hey baby, nice ass!  Why don't you flex those big strong biceps for us.  Oh don't be shy hot stuff."  Wouldn't that be so much fun!!?
  Third, we start opening more male strip clubs.  Now in order to do this we have to actually go, otherwise they'll go bankrupt.  So I say when our men go to sleep and the kids are tucked nice and tight in their beds we go out, have a few beers and objectify some men!

And eventually things will catch on.  Companies will start making mud flaps for cars with silhouettes of big strong men instead of the usual chic with the big boobs.

  I mean, we spend a lot of money, ladies... We gotta start putting that money to good use!  How long has The Price Is Right been on the air?  Like 100 years!  And they are JUST NOW getting a male model to showcase the prizes!  Women have been watching that show forever!!

  My friends and I tried doing our part in college... When guys would yell "show us your tits!"  We would yell back, "show us your dicks!"  That would usually shut them up.  I have a feeling most guys are just as insecure about whipping their shlongs out as most women are about taking their shirts off ...if not more.  We even kept a stack of PlayGirls on our coffee table, just to make a point...and for some light reading after dinner.
  And one time at a frat party there were a few girls dancing on a table with their tops off and a guy was dancing with them wearing nothing but a pair of boxers.  My friend, Nichole, decided this was completely unfair so she got a handful of his shorts and pulled them down.  My friends and I thought it was hilarious but he clearly did not.  He quickly covered himself with his hands before pulling his shorts back up and probably curled into a fetal position in a corner somewhere after that.  I don't remember getting a good look at him but not long after that Nichole told us she was gay so obviously whatever he had didn't make an impression on her.
  But just remember ladies, every little bit helps.  It's time we stood up for ourselves and demanded what we want!  We have eyes, we have blood pumping through our veins, and we have needs just like the next MAN!  It's time we embrace this and start taking what's ours!!

Men, you better start workin on your abs and your dance moves cause change is comin'!!

Enough said.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Stick removal

There's nothing more annoying than a snooty bitch.  You know the kind I'm talking about... The ones that act like their shit don't stank.  (Yes...stank.  You never say "stink" in that situation). You know, the ones that look you up and down and curl up their lip when they realize you didn't spend the past two hours in the bathroom trying to pretty yourself up just to impress them.
  First let me get this straight... I have no problem with women who like to look nice.  Even I (a self proclaimed Tom boy) can admit dressing up is fun.  I have a problem with these snooty bitches who like to judge you because you aren't like them.  It must be exhausting and painful walking around with that giant stick up their asses all the time.  Not to mention BORING!  I mean about 90% of my fun comes from making fun of myself, laughing at farts and thinking of different ways to get people to say cock.  What would I laugh at if I didn't have those things?
  Oh God, that would suck!  I'm suddenly having a change of heart... Those poor women.  They probably wouldn't EVER read my blog (I mean let's be honest... my blog is way too cool) but if you're out there ladies there's still time!  I promise things are so much better over here on the dark side.  ReDICKulously, actually.  (ha ha did you see that?  I wrote dick...)  You wouldn't have to pretend your shit don't stank... Instead you could talk about it!  In detail if you want!  Man you have no idea what your missing!!
  You think I could open a shelter for those poor lost souls?  I could teach them how to take a joke, force them to embarrass themselves in public without crying and slowly but carefully help them remove those rods from their bungholes.  (Ha ha God I'm hilarious!!)
 On second thought... Never mind.  I would probably end up punching one of them when they rolled their eyes at one of my jokes.  When I make a joke, you laugh dammit.  Eye rolling earns you a punch in the face or maybe even in the boob...boob punches hurt.  I'm funny and if you don't think so, you're a douchebag.  Plain and simple.  And besides... Pulling sticks out of asses sounds pretty gross... Even for me.
Anyway... Just sayin' someone needs to help them girls before its too late.  

Friday, October 19, 2012

Immaturity is underrated

Yea I'm immature.  I can admit that.
I admit I purposely avoided yard work until my husband got home just so I could ask him, "Babe, will you help me trim my bush?"  I mean how often do you get to say things like that with a straight face?
I also admit I had to hide my face when I found out my neighbor's last name is Babcock.  I wish my name had cock in it.  I would smile every time I heard it.
It doesn't take much to make me happy.  I mean every time someone goes running toward the door and yells, "I'm coming!!"  It takes all of my willpower not to tell yell, "Wait for me you selfish bastard!!"
  And don't even get me started on the shake weight... I still pray gyms will start keeping them in their weight room so I can watch people use them as I lay on the floor rolling in delight.  Who ever invented that fine piece of machinery deserves a freakin' medal.
  Ok so maybe I'm not just immature... I'm a dirty little hussy too.
This explains why my "family treasure" makes so much sense.  Apparently, I come from a long line of people who enjoy porn.  They enjoyed porn so much that they felt the need to pass it on to their kids.
  And man!  Do I LOVE the word douchebag... I use it every chance I get!  Douches are hilarious!  So are dildos but I tried calling someone a dildo once... Wasn't as funny.

Just sayin' if you do or say anything that implies sex or a private part I'm gunna laugh and you can't do shit about it.  Douchebag!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


Ok so, I've come to terms with the fact that having tattoos (not that I have very many) tends to come with people making assumptions about you.  The first of course being that I'm badass.  Yea, you can assume that.  But there's also another assumption that I find rather amusing, and that is the assumption that you can tell me just about anything and I won't judge you, which is mostly right but also gets me in some pretty interesting conversations.  Especially with older people.
  So today I took my son to the doctor... At least that's what I assume he was since he was wearing a white lab coat.  After checking Shaun's heartbeat, eyes and ears this guy leans back in his chair and looks at the tattoo on my arm.  I'm wearing a short sleeved shirt so you can only see the bottom half of it.  He asks me to see the rest and since I get this question a lot I didn't hesitate and lifted my sleeve to show him the top of my tat.  And after that it was like the flood gates opened up and this guy just dove right in head first.
  First he says, "Now that is some seriously nice ink you got there."
Then he looks at Shaun who is sitting in my lap wearing nothing but his diaper and a serious "back the fuck up" look.  Shaun doesn't really like guys... What can I say?  He's a ladies man.  Shaun has a death grip on the collar of my shirt and I look down and pry my his little fingers from around it and the doc says, "yeah you gotta be careful or he might show me what you got going' on under there." huh?  I look at him and he's laughing but he's not done.  "One time this kid yanked his Mom's bra and shirt down in front of me showing everything and I was like whoa.". I give him a small grin thinking, sorry dude but Shaun doesn't like you... He's not gunna flash you my boobs.  Then the old doc proceeds to tell me that the woman who flashed him had like 4 kids and one was conceived when her youngest was only 11 months old.  I guess he was hinting at the fact that this woman should have waited a little longer before procreating.  And as if that werent enough he tells me how he has a niece who has 3 kids from 3 different fathers and how he suggested to his sister they they super glue his nieces knees together so she stops poppin out babies.  Uh ... Oh Kay...
  This conversation has quickly gotten out of hand.  He must have realized he was having diarrhea of the mouth cause then he looks at Shaun who is still giving him an "eat shit" look and tells him he plans on going to the store after work to get some steaks and a whole lotta adult beverages cause his day has been crap.  Shaun looks at him like, "dude I don't care" and the old guys laughs.
   As I stood up to leave Shaun grabs for my collar again and the Doc says, "uh oh watch out!  He's going' for them again.".  Maybe this old dude should keeps his eyes off my melons and put his brain back in his head.  Wtf?  The doc turns to leave and I start getting Shaun dressed as he scowls at the back of his old head.  I think that guy was about 10 seconds away from getting an ass whoopin' by a 1 year old.  His Papa would have been proud.
Just sayin'... Just cause I have tattoos doesn't mean you get a free pass to act like a douche.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Dear husband...

  I think my husband leaves his beer cans on the counter (right next to the trash) and his dirty clothes on the floor (right next to the hamper) because he is trying to maintain control.  He knows I run this house... Yea I said it.  I'm the CO (commanding officer for you civilians). My husband may run things when he's at work but when he comes home he's in MY domain and he knows it.  So I think leaving his crap all over the place (which he knows pisses me off) is his way of rebelling... Showing me he isn't scared of me and my rules.  At first I fell into this trap.  I'd curse him under my breath, complain about how lazy he was and wonder why he couldn't just reach his damn arm 2 feet to the left to put his freakin' beer cans in the damn trash can!!!  UUGGHH!!...Deep breath...but it's ok.   I'm on to his game.
  Men like to pretend they're stupid when the truth is they're just lazy.  "babe if you want help just ask me, I don't know what you want me to do unless you ask me." he says as I'm standing there with a baby on my hip, keys hanging from my mouth and both hands full of groceries.  Really? Really!?  An ape could look at me and know what to do.  But the thing is if he pretends to be stupid and clueless and admits that I'm smarter than him he thinks that buys him a free pass.  "You're so much better at folding clothes, babe.  I suck at it.". Now that comment was just an insult to my intelligence.  I'm not a man, you can't just stroke my ego and get me to do whatever you want.  Women are way more complicated than that.
   The thing is, he knows I don't like my house being a mess which means he also knows I won't let his clothes pile up and I won't leave the beer cans sitting on the counter.  But that doesn't mean I will forget... I remember ALL of it every can, ever wet towel on the bed, every pair of underwear left on the bathroom floor and it will all come back to bite him in the ass.  Mark my words.
Bwahahahaha!!  (evil laugh).

Monday, October 8, 2012

Family Treasure

Before I begin this blog I feel I should preface it with a little description of my Mother.  For those of you who are not lucky enough to know her, she is probably one of the funniest women in the world.  About 75% of her humor comes from the fact that she isn't even aware what she's saying is funny.

   So, on my son's 1st birthday we had a small party at our house .  My parents were there and so was my sister, Kristine.  I was standing in the kitchen cutting some veggies and my Dad was behind me.  I don't remember what we were talking about but apparently it wasn't exciting enough.  My Mom approaches my Dad and this is what I hear, "John I think it's time we show Matt and Elaine the family treasure.  They're old enough now.". My dad starts to chuckle and my eyes widen before I slowly turn to look at my parents.
"Dad, please whatever you do... Don't pull your pants down right now." my Dad's chuckle quickly turns into a full on laugh as my Mom continues to tell him to show us the "family treasure". She obviously didn't get my joke.  Now there's a sense on urgency in my mom's voice.  "Hurry!  We need to show them before everyone else gets here.  We can show them in the garage.  Elaine go tell Matt to hurry up we need to show you guys the family treasure!".
  I set my knife down and made my way to the bathroom where Matt was about to shower.  I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to tell him... That my parents wanted to show us the family treasure in the garage?  Luckily for me, my husband has had enough time to get used to my family.  He promised to be out in 10 minutes to join us in the garage.
  By this time I've had a chance to think about this.  Maybe my parents are sitting on a few bars of gold and have been waiting to tell us we are secretly millionaires!  Maybe they wanted to wait until we were old enough to really appreciate it, maybe they have diamonds!  So now I'm getting excited and curious.
  We're standing in my garage... Me, my parents, Matt and Kristine.  My Dad begins to explain that my Japanese Grandfather gave him something one night while drinking and he pulls out an old scroll.  My eyes widen... Oohhh...a family heirloom!  A Japanese family heirloom!  How cool!  My Dad proceeds to unroll the scroll and that's when I see it.  Porn.  Yes, my family heirloom is old, Japanese porn.
  Now I'm standing there looking at the scroll as my Mom begins to point out all the detail.  She explains how it was hand painted and very artistic...and all I see is bush.  A lot of bush.  I'm suddenly hyper aware of the fact that I'm standing next to my Dad and there is a scroll of porn laid out in front of us.  I quickly turn around and chant to myself, "You're  30.  You're 30.  You're 30!".
  When I turn back around Matt is on his phone looking up Antique Asian Erotic Scrolls and my sister is lighting up a cigarette.  I don't blame her.
  I look at my sister and we smile at each other and I know in that moment we are thinking the same thing and she's about to say it...
"this explains so much."
Finally our world begins to make sense.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Mommy of the Year!

  Sometimes I wonder if my family knows how lucky they are to have me.  I know what you're thinking...  God Elaine, you're amazing!  How could they not know!?  Yea yea I know.
  But I'm not talking about the mushy, "oh I love you so much!  I'm so lucky to have you in my life." crap.  What I mean is they're lucky I haven't run away or worse... Killed them.  Well actually the only one who has to worry about being murdered is my husband... And that's only when he's asleep.  My kids are too cute, their chubby cheeks and big eyes are their saving grace.  I have a hard time even yelling at them without squeezing their faces and squealing, "God!!  You're so freakin' cute I wanna eat your cheeks!!".
  I wonder if they'll have complexes when they grow up.  Probably.
  So anyway... In my defense... I'm not some psycho who fantasizes about killing her husband in his sleep.  It's actually his fault I feel this way.  I mean what does he expect after 9 years of laying next to someone who snores so loud the walls shake!?  He snores so loud he's actually woken himself up!  He snores so loud that I actually wake up scared when he stops!  One time I smothered him with my pillow just to shut him up.  He's lucky he woke up.  I also tried pinching his nose shut but the jerk snores even louder through his mouth!  Uuggggh!  I've tried yelling, "babe wake up!!  Roll over!". But he just looks at me like I'm an annoying bitch and then turns his head.  I said ROLL OVER not turn your fucking head!!  ... Now you see why I want to kill him in his sleep.  Love you babe.  ;)
  As for my kids... They just better be careful or one day Mommy may snap.  My daughter can't even poop with the light on because apparently she doesn't even want to see herself while she's doing' the deed.  But let me go in the bathroom and she sees it as her opportunity to ambush me with questions. I have to tell her if I'm pooping or peeing and then listen to her tell me about her favorite cartoon or color or whatever else she feels I should know before I finish.
  And sometimes if I call on my ninja blood and successfully sneak past the kids and get in the bathroom alone my crazy ass dog, Nearco, rams his head into the bathroom door pushing it open and looks at me like he's gunna kick my ass.  He doesn't like closed doors in his house.  After he stares me down for a few seconds he slowly turns back around and walks out.  Wtf?
  And then there's my other dog, Saki.  I swear she waits til my arms are full and I'm rushing around the house to mess with me.  I bet she looks at Nearco and says " watch this." before getting right in front of me and stopping causing me to trip and stub my toe on the coffee table.  My dogs probably know more cuss words than most of you.  I love them to death but I know if I didn't feed them and walk them they would have suffocated me in my sleep.  Actually I think Saki has tried it before... Her farts could suffocate a bear.  Fo real.
  I won't even get started on Shaun... He's only 1 and I have a feeling by the time he's 3 he'll be able to kick my ass so I don't want to say anything that might piss him off.  Why do you think I've been working out so much?
So anyway... Just sayin'... My family better watch their back.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Random thoughts

Why was crack invented when we have chocolate?  Don't we have enough problems?  I bet those weird people who don't like chocolate invented crack.  I knew there was something wrong with them.  Why do people say "crack kills" when they see your butt crack hanging out of your jeans.  No it doesn't.  It may hurt to look at it and in some instances you may throw up a little in your mouth but it doesn't kill.  That's a little harsh.  I mean butt cracks are ugly but it's not their fault, they were made that way.  That's no reason to accuse them of murder.
  And why do people smile at me and try to spark up conversation in line for the toilet?  Don't they know I'm trying to concentrate?
Oh here's a good one... Why are Mosquitos still around?  We managed to try and kill off all the other species but for some reason bugs are thriving.  Wtf?  We can't even get mass distruction right people!
And why the hell didn't the inventor of the iPad put arrows on the key pad so I can go back and fix misspelled words!?  I sat here tapping my finger on the screen for the past five minutes!  I almost broke my nail!
  Why can't people spell anymore?  Did they stop teaching spelling at school?  Or did they teach you to spell "you" with a "u"?  Damn we're lazy.  I mean we aren't even forced to hold pencils anymore we just push buttons and we can't even push more than one unless totally necessary?
I'm lazy.  Yesterday I prayed God would make 7-eleven see that it needed a drive through.  I wonder if he heard me.
  Why haven't we found a drug that makes kids sleep...something legal.  I'm tellin you if your holdin out on me I will hunt you down, steal all your magic drugs and beat you up.  I'm half Japanese, which means I automatically know karate and have ninja blood.
  Why are Japanese people so freakin cool!?  I mean really, I think their water is better or something.  They're healthier, smarter, and they dressed their prostitutes up in kimonos and white paint.  You had to actually train to be a geisha!  Maybe our politicians would be more helpful if our prostitutes trained and dressed in kimonos.
Just sayin'.... I don't know what I'm saying.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Tattooed granny

To all my fellow tattooed punks... Have you ever had someone say "you're gunna regret those tattoos when your old and wrinkled." to you as they cross their arms and look your tattoos up and down in disgust?
  Where do they get this theory exactly?  Is there something I'm missing?  Since when did being a tattooed granny/grandad become undesirable?  The way I see it, by the time I'm 70 or 80 I'll want to be covered in tats to scare off all the hooligans trying to jack me in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  I mean old people tend to be easy targets...  I think when I'm about 65 I'll get a tat across my chest that says, " I pushed two babies out of my vagina with no drugs...I'm crazy.". That otta keep 'em away.  But just in case I'll also keep a gun strapped on my hip... Something cute to compliment my moo moo.  Yes, I definitely plan on wearing moo moo's when I'm 65.  Sorry babe.
I'm just sayin' if your gunna hate on tattoos at least come up with a better reason, cause that one sucks.