What's that smell?

Hello.  My name is E and I fart.  Whew.  Glad I got that out of the way.  I wish I had done that 20 years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of stress and stomach cramps, that's for sure.  We all fart people, it's a fact of life.  Yes, a smelly fact but still a fact.
  Do you know how many times I had to cover up an accidental "put-put" in public?  You name it, I've done it.  You casually look around to see if anyone is making the stink face, praying everyone around you has a cold or was born with a horrible sense of smell so they don't figure you out.  And just when you think it's safe and the gas Gods got your back you realize your surrounded by your own thick cloud of fart.  I mean if it smells that bad to you it's got to be about 10times worse for everyone else.  And then you spring into action, quickly scrunch up your face and cover your nose with one hand while fanning around you with the other.  If you can't pretend it didn't happen just overreact and act completely offended that some disgusting person just had the audacity to fart IN PUBLIC!!  How gross!!
  Just for a second imagine if we lived in a world where farting was cool, even funny.  Oh wait!  Never mind just imagine your a dude!  Why is it that guys can act completely gross and obnoxious and it's somehow funny but let a girl pass a little wind and she's a dirty hoochie with no morals.  Wtf?  I mean I was in yoga the other day and this old guy just let's one loose in the middle of a pose and besides a few giggles nothing was said.  I have a feeling if I had been the one releasing toxins into the air every girl in that room would still be avoiding me.  I mean come on people lets be realistic here, girls have buttholes just like guys do and.... Yes I'm going to say it... Stuff comes out of them!  Stinky, smelly, ungirly-like stuff.  So just get over it.
We need a movement... Women we must unite.  Let's fight against this fart oppressing society and start a revolution!  Because lets face it, this clenching your butt cheeks together til your blue in the face shit gets old.  And honestly, I think all those times in school when I pretended to be beat boxing to play off the noise I just released from my ass, was just a waste of time.  I mean who randomly starts beat boxing in the middle of algebra anyway?  I can't even rap.
  We could call our new movement PFFF.  People For Farting Freedom.  Get it PFFF?  It's like a fart noise... Get it?  Whatever.
Anyway... Just sayin'.
  The next time you let one lose in public don't try to play it off or blame the poor schmuck sitting next to you. Just widen your eyes, drop your jaw, gasp and say, "Did you hear what that asshole just said!?"

Pansies

What's up with all these pansies?  Are there women out there who are seriously turned on by skinny jeans and swooping bangs?  (I'm talking about straight women here). How can anyone over the age of 12 look at Justin Bieber and think, "now he is hot." I mean seriously?  If you were my boyfriend, Justin I would punch you in the throat for thinking you're a stud when half the girls who like you could probably bench press more than you can.  I mean for real.  What does he weigh like 80lbs?  No offense to the skinny guys out there... Some skinny guys are strong but I just can't figure out what people think is so hot about this kid.  I mean damn, my voice is even deeper than his.  My 4year old daughter could kick his ass.  

  And what's up with all these metrosexual dudes?  Am I just old fashioned or what?  If a guy takes longer to do his hair than I do he deserves to get punched in the nuts.  What happened to tough, strong, dirty, sweaty men?  If I can't touch your hair cause it's styled and you smell better than I do than why don't I just say "fuck it" and become a lesbian?  They'd probably be better in bed than your pansie ass anyway.  (sorry Mom and Dad if your reading this). 

  Just so you know, this is all hypothetical since I'm married to a MAN who ,despite my best efforts , can still throw me over his shoulder and tickle me til I squeal like a little girl.  I'm just sayin'. 

Guys put down the hair gel and go find your balls.  PAHLEASE!!  

Coffee, oh how I love you!

   Have you ever woken up with a 4 year old standing 2 feet in front of you staring at your face?  Isn't it weird?  Sometimes I wonder if she has been up for hours sipping coffee and watching cartoons before she decided to come into my room and try to burn holes through my eyeballs with her stare.  Does she think since she doesn't say anything it doesn't count as waking Mommy up?  We have a strict rule in this house... Well I have a strict rule which no one around here seems to want to follow.  NO WAKING MOMMY UP!  Hello?  It's it that hard?  I mean surely my kids can find a way to entertain themselves for a few hours without needing my assistance.
  Everyone who knows me also knows I'm like an grizzly waking up from hibernation when I don't get enough sleep.  Get the hell out of my way and give me some damn coffee.  Which brings me to my second rule that no one likes to follow... No talking to mommy until she's had her coffee.
  I'm not sure when I became so dependent on coffee.  I used to be one of those people who just drank coffee to feel old and important.  Oh yea I remember... it all started the day after I decided to push out another 8lb baby and give up on the idea of ever getting another full night of uninterrupted sleep.  Duh... How could I forget that?
  Now every morning I stand in front of the coffee maker with one eye open cursing it under my breath.  'Come on you damn coffee maker can't you move any faster!?'.
  Don't judge me.  I know I could set the coffee maker the night before but after my kids go to bed I like to pretend I'm 21 again and drink beer.  Planning ahead would definitely ruin the fantasy.  And besides my coffee maker and I have a love/hate relationship.  I cuss at it and tell it it's useless and once it's done making my coffee I apologize and tell it how much I love it and how it's my most favorite appliance in the kitchen.  Careful to whisper so the microwave doesn't hear.  My microwave has a temper.
Anyway... Just sayin'. I like my coffee and my sleep.  But if I had to get rid of one I would most certainly take the sleep but since sleep decided to ditch me for someone younger who doesn't deserve it I've been forced to settle for coffee.  Don't tell the coffee maker I said that.  He's still upset about this morning. 

"just get a hobby"

I just finished watching Julie & Julia and it brought up a problem I've been having for a while now... what to do!?? I've noticed this seems to be a problem that many wives have. Whether they have jobs, children or neither there still seems to be a struggle when it comes to finding something that you enjoy doing, something that you love and something that you would enjoy doing everyday... just for yourself. And the funny thing is, I've never once found a man or husband with the same problem. If anything they always have TOO MANY hobbies and either can't find the time for all of them or can't afford them. So why is this? Are men programmed to always be busy with something? Are they the more selfish gender and while the women are too busy taking care of everyone else to think about what they want or would enjoy the men are off exploring everything and finding hobby after hobby? Or is it something else? Can it be that us WOMEN can actually learn something from men? Actually take some time for ourselves and try to find something we enjoy? But why is it that typical hobbies for men are things like working on cars, playing sports, fishing or playing video games (please notice I used the word "playing" twice). And for women it's usually things like cooking, sewing, knitting or crafts? I've always considered myself to be a pretty creative person but none of those things I just listed really appeal to me. And I've tried some of them. I do enjoy writing but to be honest it's hard to find things to write about when your day consists of working out, changing diapers, giving baths and folding laundry. So once again the phrase appears, "just get a hobby."
So now I need a hobby to help with my other hobby! And another thing is money... hobbies can get expensive!! Especially the ones I listed for men! What's up with that!? They should give hobby discounts at the store or something. Like if you bring old receipts with you to the store to prove it's really a hobby for you and you are passionate about it you get 25% off all merchandise related to it. I can think of a few people who would benefit from that.
So I guess I'll just continue on my search for my new hobby and maybe one day I'll find one and then I'll sit here writing blogs about how wonderful it is and how much it fulfills me and I'll be one of THEM. You know the ones who look at you with confusion all over their face when you tell them you're bored and then they reach over to comfort you and say those awe inspiring words..."just get a hobby."

My Sisters

In my life I have been truly blessed. And among my many blessings ones that I hold dearest to my heart are Cindy and Kristine. My sisters. I know many people have siblings that they love and that have taught them a lot. But there are not many who have the type of love and admiration that my sisters an I share. My sisters are 9 years older than me and twins. In most cases this could be a recipe for disaster. Meaner, older sisters that boss you around and make your life hell. Well luckily for me, my relationship with my sisters was the complete opposite. They treated me like their most favorite person in the world. They spoiled me to death, taught me life lessons that I didn't have to learn on my own, and made me feel like I was cool enough to hang out with them and their friends no matter how young I was.

Now of course like any siblings our relationships haven't always been perfect. But for the most part I just remember sitting and crying while I watched them fight each other. Which I guess is expected from a pair of teen aged twin sisters. But despite all of their differences and trust me there are a lot... one things that has always stayed the same is our love for each other.

My sisters taught me how to dance and how to dress and do my hair. They taught me who I should trust and how to stand up for myself. And even if they didn't intend to they also taught me how to learn lessons by watching their mistakes. My sisters have been through a lot...both of them and by watching them live through the tough times and come out even stronger it has only made me realize how strong one person can be.

My sister Cindy... the older of the two (by 15 minutes) has always been so caring and understanding. She would offer a complete stranger the shirt off her back and despite everything she's been through... and she has been through A LOT... she still believes in the good in people and always finds a reason to smile. Through heartbreaks, disappointments, and really bad situations she's always found a way to come out stronger and never let anyone or anything get her down.

My sister Kristine... the younger of the two (by 15 minutes) was always the tough one. She never backs down and is always showing her strength no matter what life throws at her. She has always given great advice and is always there when you need someone to listen. She's also the mother of my beautiful niece and nephews and despite being a single Mother with a full-time job she has still managed to raise wonderful, respectful and awesome kids in a world that seems to have so few. She has also been through a lot and every time she still comes out ready to fight the next battle.

To say my sisters are strong women is such an understatement. They are beyond strong... they are amazing, tenacious, super women who have earned my utmost respect and admiration. I love my sisters.

Love you.

So many of life's biggest challenges and mysteries revolve around love. When are you truly in love?... Is love ever enough?... who should you love?... Do you really know what love is?... this list could go on and on and on. People make careers answering and asking these very questions and still it seems no one ever has a direct answer to any of them.
Growing up I was always told "Until you love yourself you can't truly love anyone else" and I always took it lightly. I actually didn't believe it at first because I spent a large majority of my life not liking myself and still felt there were plenty of people in my life I loved. But now after watching my friends get their hearts broken, mended and broken again... after learning how it feels to actually love myself and to see the changes it's made in my life and my relationships... it makes perfect sense.
You always hear stories of the "perfect" relationship ending abruptly. One person cheats or all of a sudden doesn't love the other. But when you look a little closer often times you'll find that at least one of those people (if not both) still needed to find love for themselves. Often times when people get married or enter long term relationships one or both of them loses themselves. Their world begins and ends with that other person and they forget about what they want, what they need... they forget about their worth. And when you don't require love from yourself how can you ever require it from someone else? And how will that person know how to treat you?? By how you treat yourself. If you are willing to settle for little or nothing from yourself then why should you require anymore from them?
That's where self love comes into play. I've found that when both people in a relationship feel whole and happy by themselves they are even better when they are together. But when one or both of those people are missing something within themselves and they can't find it with the person they are with they will keep looking until they do. And often times they eventually discover that no one else can give it to them. Just like in The Wizard of Oz what you are searching for you've had with you all along. And unfortunately most people discover this after they've broken hearts and had their heart broken time and time again.
It seems to me that people waste so much time looking for love, looking for someone to complete them when what they should be doing is looking inside themselves. And once they discover they don't need anyone else to complete them or to make them happy that's when everything else they wanted comes. And no matter what happens from that point on you'll always have someone who loves you... YOU.

takin it back...

I was looking through old photo albums of me and my friends. I can't believe how easy life was back then and how much I took it for granted. I have pictures from concerts and amusement parks and parties... and I thought my life was tough. Pfft! And why didn't I believe I was pretty and skinny!?? I look at those pictures and wish I looked like that now!! I will never look like that again and at the time I thought I was ugly and fat. MAN! If I could only go back and get inside my head! LOL But what looking at the pictures really made me miss the most was my friends... Melissa, Liz, Nichole, Shayla, Jenny, Vikki, Tamera and many more. You guys have been awesome friends and I wouldn't be who I am without knowing you so thank you!!