Saturday, November 10, 2012

What's cooler than bein' cool?

    I'm not cool.  I'm a dork.  And I'm ok with that.  I think I realized it back when I was in high school, when I saw what it took to be cool.  It's too much damn work if you ask me.  You have to make sure you're wearing the latest trends, never getting caught doing something "uncool" all the while making fun of everyone who doesn't try.

Pfft.  If you ask me, being cool is lame.  I'd much rather be warm. warm and cozy.  Those cool people must be exhausted.  What with all the pretending and being terrified of getting caught with their fly down or falling in front of a crowd.  Not to mention having to keep up with the ever changing coolness in the world.  I mean at one time calling someone "phat" was a compliment... do people even use "Phat" anymore?  Or is that totally uncool now?  Do people even use the word "cool" anymore?  For all I know I could be becoming more uncool by the second.

  And then there's the people who try to be cool even though they know damn well they aren't.  Poor bastards.  You know the ones... they come in wearing the name brand clothes, their hair done in the latest "edgy" style and every other word that comes out of their mouth is slang.  "Yo homie.  What's crackalackin'?  We gunna get twisted tonight or what dawg?  YOLO son.YOLO.  Deuces."
  What in the... You need a freakin' douchebag dictionary to keep up with those dumbasses. I mean why can't people just be real?  Who cares what other people think?  For real.
AND THEN... there's the people who try to test how cool you are like they feel threatened that you might be cooler than them or something. I walked into the gas station the other day and I was attacked by one! And I was so freakin' tired I didn't even realize I fell right into his trap!  Dammit!  I was wearing my WuTang Clan t-shirt... That shirt is the shit by the way... I buy a red bull and some apple juice for my kids and the guy behind the counter... Yes, he worked at the gas station... says "Wu Tang?  What you know about Wu Tang?  Name the members."  Now what I should have said was "Kiss my ass, douchebag and ring up my red bull."  But I'm competitive and this dude was questioning my Wu Tang knowledge so instead I started naming some, "Method Man, Reakwon, RZA,GZA, Ghostface Killa', ODB, Inspectah Deck..."  Then I paused... I always forget U-God and Masta Killa for some reason.  And the guys says. "Redman.  Yea I saw them at Lallapalooza."  That's when I realized what a douche this guy was.  First of all, Redman wasn't part of The Wu Tang Clan and he knows damn well he wasn't at Lallapalooza to see Wu Tang.  I refused to say anymore. I grabbed my red bull and got the hell outta there before his douchebagginess rubbed off.  I mean how are you going to try and quiz someone on their coolness when you aren't even on their level?  I mean he wasn't!  He wasn't even on MY level of coolness and that's saying a lot since I'm so not cool.

Anyway... All I'm sayin is stop tryin so damn hard.  And from now on people should be required to walk around with these on so we can have some kind of warning before we're standing in a gas station somewhere naming the members of Wu Tang.
Ignore the minty fresh gum part.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

Education...Miami style

Things I learned while on vacation in Miami:

Don't assume a guy is gay just because he acts like he is...

Competing with your sisters on who can get more people to say "dick" or "cock" is hilarious!  Just be careful who you ask... There are some creepy guys out there.

Don't try to take a picture with a DJ when you are drunk... There are a whole lotta wires back there!

When I'm drunk the word "mango" instantly becomes "melon".

Don't dance with drunk sailors from Rio.

Don't ask your husband for permission to get a tattoo while drunk... They're less likely to agree to it.

No matter how mad Cindy is, if you wave at her she will ALWAYS wave back.

Golden Va Jay Jays can turn lights on just by mentioning them.

If you hear about a "chunky monkey contest" run in the other direction.

Bartenders from London will get you VERY drunk!

Women who drink alone aren't very good at playing pool... Especially if they start off looking in the table for the pool sticks.

Kristine is a hilarious drunk even with the crazy mood swings.

There are no male strip clubs in all of Miami!!  Wtf!?

"We'll play it by the wing" means we'll decide as we go in Cindy talk.

Kristine threatens to kill a lot of people when she's drunk.

Coffee and mimosas aren't the best breakfast after a night of drinking.

Hotel phones don't work we'll when they aren't plugged in.

When people you don't recognize ask you if you're going to dance again and know exactly what you were drinking the night before, it means you had a great night.

When you go to sleep with numb lips and toes it also means you had a great night.

And last... The most important thing I learned was... My sisters and I still got it and I have a feeling we always will.  ;)