Have you ever had a problem with people holding on to who you were and how they knew you and not realizing that you have changed? Or if they do realize you have changed they seem to think there's something wrong with you or you are just faking it or pretending to be something you aren't? The reason I ask is because I'm a little apprehensive about moving back to the states. I feel like the past 2 years here in Japan have taught me a lot and I've also been doing a lot of soul searching while I've been here and feel like I've changed the way I think and the way I treat myself in a lot of ways. And although, I feel like all the changes I've made are good I wonder if people are going to notice or be too attached to the person they knew me to be.
For example, growing up I always felt like a push over in a way. I used to not say anything if someone made me upset or mad, I would put my needs after others because I didn't think my wants or needs were as important as everyone else's. And now I try to do what I think is best for me and have been trying to make my needs more of a priority. But if you had a friend or family member who always did what you wanted or always bit their tongue when no one else did would you really want that to change?
And on top of all of that I also had a baby while I was here. Which means everyone will be meeting MOMMY Elaine for the first time. I can't do all the things I used to do because I have a person I'm responsible for now so I wonder if my friends will take that into account or be dissapointed when I say I can't do something. And I'm the youngest in the family. Which means no matter how hard I try to get rid of the title I'll always be the "baby". And although I know my family treats me like an adult most of the time I still always feel like I'm being looked at as the baby who always needs advice and no one ever worries about stepping on your toes. And why should they? You're just the baby!
As I type this I'm already thinking of hitting the delete button because I know my family reads this and they are going to think they have offended me some how or they are going to say things like "Well I was going to say something but I don't want it to come off like I'm treating you like a baby" It's not that I feel mistreated or abused by my family and friends it's more like I'm worried about how things will be when I go back home. When someone changes over time but you are around them everyday or even every couple of months at least the change is gradual and you adjust. But since I really haven't been around everyone in a while I just worry about how I will be treated or will be recieved. But I guess as long as I'm changing for the better and I'm still ME every thing should work out fine.
I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced something like this in their life. ???
I LOVE YOU, FAMILY AND FRIENDS! You know who you are. :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I'd rather be happy
Yeah I could stop eating carbs and take sugar out of my diet. I could drink nothing but water and do stomach crunches until my head burst but I'd rather be happy.
I like having some chocolate after a long day and drinking a diet coke. I like to get my workout over with in the morning and then spend the rest of my day chasing my daughter around. Yeah that also means I won't be looking like Heidi Klum any time soon.
But I'm ok with that. As long as I feel healthy and I'm HAPPY!
And I know a world without chocolate, carbs and a soda every now and then is not one I would want to live in. So I'm willing to settle with this...
I'm not there yet but I'm working on it. :)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
perception
I read a book once in college that said we aren't who we think we are... and we aren't who others think we are... but we are how others think we see ourselves. In other words the way people think we perceive ourselves is how they will perceive us also. That statement really stuck with me because it made me realize something. We are in control of who we are. It's all in our minds and how we see ourselves. It explains the unattractive guy in the bar getting all the girls and the beautiful girl in the corner hiding behind her hair and going completely unnoticed. When you believe you are worth something so will everyone around you and when you don't no one else will either. Perception is an amazing thing.
I was at the gym again today working out. I was covered in sweat, getting ready to do some ab excersizes when I decided to look in the mirror...REALLY look in the mirror (which is something I've been trying to avoid since I gained all my baby weight)... and I realized something. My legs looked skinnier than I thought they were... so did the rest of my body. And all of a sudden I was happy. It could have been the lighting or the clothes I had on but all of a sudden just because my perception had changed so did the way I felt about myself. I hadn't lost any weight since the last time I saw myself in the mirror. I just picture myself as one size and I saw myself this time and realized I was actually smaller.
Isn't it funny that it's MY own body... I live in it everyday, I see it in the mirror and yet I don't see it clearly?? What else is there in my life that I see the same way? ...through the fog of my perception and not how it really is... perhaps I need to look at everything again.
I was at the gym again today working out. I was covered in sweat, getting ready to do some ab excersizes when I decided to look in the mirror...REALLY look in the mirror (which is something I've been trying to avoid since I gained all my baby weight)... and I realized something. My legs looked skinnier than I thought they were... so did the rest of my body. And all of a sudden I was happy. It could have been the lighting or the clothes I had on but all of a sudden just because my perception had changed so did the way I felt about myself. I hadn't lost any weight since the last time I saw myself in the mirror. I just picture myself as one size and I saw myself this time and realized I was actually smaller.
Isn't it funny that it's MY own body... I live in it everyday, I see it in the mirror and yet I don't see it clearly?? What else is there in my life that I see the same way? ...through the fog of my perception and not how it really is... perhaps I need to look at everything again.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Judgement
So I understand that judging people is something that pretty much comes naturally to everyone. When we first meet someone we look at their clothes and hair and the way they speak and carry themselves and then we make assumptions. This person is confident or insecure, this person is overweight or too skinny, they take care of themselves or don't, wear too much make up, have tattoos, look plain, etc., etc., etc.
So it's impossible to say you don't judge. Even if you try not to it's just something that comes naturally. But when does it go too far? Where do you stop judging? For example... I'm in the gym this morning and Dr.Phil is on tv. There is a woman on the show who claims to be addicted to food. And the girl next to me in a matter of about 10 minutes said the following..."Eww! That's disgusting she eats ALL of that!" "I don't believe her she's lying. She's not even that big." "She said she'd rather smoke so she wouldn't eat so much!? She's STUPID!"
Now I realize this is a talk show and people always like to comment when watching them. But I actually felt bad for the woman on the show because there are people all over the world just like this girl next to me. judging. I mean how do you know what this woman is going through? And who are you to judge her? What if I was addicted to food and I'm on the elliptical right next to you. Perhaps you should keep your thoughts to yourself.
And I admit I'm not innocent either but as I get older and see more and go through more in my life. I start to realize that everyone goes through their own struggles in life and no matter how small they may seem to someone else they are HUGE to the person living it. And no one else knows how they feel, what they've been through or how much they've tried to overcome their obstacles. I just think it's easier to judge someone. Easier to assume that person is doing something wrong or there is something wrong with them than to admit that maybe there is nothing wrong with them and they are just doing the best they can with what they were given.
Everyone has a right to do what they want and whether we agree with it or not they will anyway. We don't have to like everyone or their actions but we don't have a right to pass judgement either. We all come into this life to learn and you are no different.
Until we walk a day in that person's shoes maybe we should keep our judgements to ourselves.
So it's impossible to say you don't judge. Even if you try not to it's just something that comes naturally. But when does it go too far? Where do you stop judging? For example... I'm in the gym this morning and Dr.Phil is on tv. There is a woman on the show who claims to be addicted to food. And the girl next to me in a matter of about 10 minutes said the following..."Eww! That's disgusting she eats ALL of that!" "I don't believe her she's lying. She's not even that big." "She said she'd rather smoke so she wouldn't eat so much!? She's STUPID!"
Now I realize this is a talk show and people always like to comment when watching them. But I actually felt bad for the woman on the show because there are people all over the world just like this girl next to me. judging. I mean how do you know what this woman is going through? And who are you to judge her? What if I was addicted to food and I'm on the elliptical right next to you. Perhaps you should keep your thoughts to yourself.
And I admit I'm not innocent either but as I get older and see more and go through more in my life. I start to realize that everyone goes through their own struggles in life and no matter how small they may seem to someone else they are HUGE to the person living it. And no one else knows how they feel, what they've been through or how much they've tried to overcome their obstacles. I just think it's easier to judge someone. Easier to assume that person is doing something wrong or there is something wrong with them than to admit that maybe there is nothing wrong with them and they are just doing the best they can with what they were given.
Everyone has a right to do what they want and whether we agree with it or not they will anyway. We don't have to like everyone or their actions but we don't have a right to pass judgement either. We all come into this life to learn and you are no different.
Until we walk a day in that person's shoes maybe we should keep our judgements to ourselves.
Monday, July 13, 2009
No one ever told me.
No one ever told me I could love someone THIS MUCH! I mean I know people always say things about "a Mother's love for her babies" but I just had no idea. I didn't realize I could laugh so hard at a facial expression or be so proud to see someone roll over.
I never knew I would go into my baby's room at least twice after she's gone to sleep just to make sure she's warm and breathing and just for an excuse to see her one more time. I had no idea bath time would be fun again or seeing someone fall could hurt me more than it hurt them.
I didn't understand how natural and instinctual motherhood is. How you almost feel like a lion protecting your cub and there's nothing you wouldn't do to keep them from harm. That my body would actually have a physical reaction when I heard my baby cry.
I never would have guessed that some one's reaction to my daughter would mean more than how they treated me. That she would feel like an extension of myself. And I can't imagine how hard it will be to let her go and be her own person and make her own mistakes.
I guess if someone had told me (and maybe they did) I never would have really understood until I felt it for myself. Being a Mother has been one of the most life changing, amazing, and REAL experiences I've ever had. And I thank God for it everyday.
I never knew I would go into my baby's room at least twice after she's gone to sleep just to make sure she's warm and breathing and just for an excuse to see her one more time. I had no idea bath time would be fun again or seeing someone fall could hurt me more than it hurt them.
I didn't understand how natural and instinctual motherhood is. How you almost feel like a lion protecting your cub and there's nothing you wouldn't do to keep them from harm. That my body would actually have a physical reaction when I heard my baby cry.
I never would have guessed that some one's reaction to my daughter would mean more than how they treated me. That she would feel like an extension of myself. And I can't imagine how hard it will be to let her go and be her own person and make her own mistakes.
I guess if someone had told me (and maybe they did) I never would have really understood until I felt it for myself. Being a Mother has been one of the most life changing, amazing, and REAL experiences I've ever had. And I thank God for it everyday.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
WANTED: ???
Do you ever worry that you're never going to find your passion or what you are meant to do in this life? Is there a talent already there in all of us that we have to discover? Or do we have to decide what we want to do and then work at it until we are good? Or is it just different for everyone?
Ever since I was little I liked being creative. I used to make outfits for my Barbie dolls and decided I wanted to be a fashion designer. Then when I was in middle school I started writing and people told me I was good at it and it came fairly easy to me so I decided I wanted to be a writer. Then I got into high school and loved my art classes. So then I decided I was going to be an art teacher.
When I went to college and tried choosing a major Creative Writing was my first choice. But then that voice in my head started saying things like, "what if you aren't good enough?", "what if you don't get a job writing... how else will that degree help you?", "maybe you should do something that's more likely to get you a stable job", "do writers earn good money if they aren't extremely successful?" and there went that idea. So instead I chose Advertising... it had writing and art involved so I thought... "it'll be fun and look better on a resume". But the more I got into it the more I realized what a competitive field it really was... "cut throat" is actually the phrase I heard all the time. And I also realized it really just wasn't something I was passionate about. But I had just spent 4 years studying to be a copywriter for an advertising agency. So by God that was what I was going to try and do!!
But now looking back at it all I realize the main thing holding me back the entire time was my lack of confidence. Maybe I could have been an amazing fashion designer but I didn't believe in myself so I never tried to get better. I could be at a school somewhere teaching art right now. But I never made my portfolio because I didn't think it would be good and I didn't want to get rejected so I never even made an attempt. And even straight out of college with my brand new shiny degree... BACHELOR OF SCIENCE WITH A FOCUS IN ADVERTISING AND A DOUBLE MINOR IN BUSINESS AND PSYCHOLOGY... I didn't believe in myself enough to go looking for that BIG job. Eventually I did end up getting a Marketing Manager position due to some good networking and I was excited about it. I would be starting fresh and everything that came out of the marketing department would be MY idea but after about a month I realized it just wasn't the job for me. Just like the degree I had earned I loved the way it sounded but deep down I kind of felt like a phony saying the words. "I'm a Marketing Manager" more like... "I'm still looking for what I want to do but for now I'm trying to sell cleaning products for Birsch Industries."
Growing up my Dad used to always tell me how important it is to find a job you love. Something that makes you happy... and I just haven't found it yet. I know I'm still only 27 but as my life moves on and I have a family and I now know I'll probably be moving every few years it has become even more important to me that I find something that makes me happy. Something that is JUST MINE. Something I can be proud of and can help me contribute to the world even if it's just in a minute way.
So this is my way of asking the universe for help! Please help me find my niche, my passion, my love, my happiness in this world. And please give me the confidence and insight to see it when you show it to me!!!
Thanks for listening!
Ever since I was little I liked being creative. I used to make outfits for my Barbie dolls and decided I wanted to be a fashion designer. Then when I was in middle school I started writing and people told me I was good at it and it came fairly easy to me so I decided I wanted to be a writer. Then I got into high school and loved my art classes. So then I decided I was going to be an art teacher.
When I went to college and tried choosing a major Creative Writing was my first choice. But then that voice in my head started saying things like, "what if you aren't good enough?", "what if you don't get a job writing... how else will that degree help you?", "maybe you should do something that's more likely to get you a stable job", "do writers earn good money if they aren't extremely successful?" and there went that idea. So instead I chose Advertising... it had writing and art involved so I thought... "it'll be fun and look better on a resume". But the more I got into it the more I realized what a competitive field it really was... "cut throat" is actually the phrase I heard all the time. And I also realized it really just wasn't something I was passionate about. But I had just spent 4 years studying to be a copywriter for an advertising agency. So by God that was what I was going to try and do!!
But now looking back at it all I realize the main thing holding me back the entire time was my lack of confidence. Maybe I could have been an amazing fashion designer but I didn't believe in myself so I never tried to get better. I could be at a school somewhere teaching art right now. But I never made my portfolio because I didn't think it would be good and I didn't want to get rejected so I never even made an attempt. And even straight out of college with my brand new shiny degree... BACHELOR OF SCIENCE WITH A FOCUS IN ADVERTISING AND A DOUBLE MINOR IN BUSINESS AND PSYCHOLOGY... I didn't believe in myself enough to go looking for that BIG job. Eventually I did end up getting a Marketing Manager position due to some good networking and I was excited about it. I would be starting fresh and everything that came out of the marketing department would be MY idea but after about a month I realized it just wasn't the job for me. Just like the degree I had earned I loved the way it sounded but deep down I kind of felt like a phony saying the words. "I'm a Marketing Manager" more like... "I'm still looking for what I want to do but for now I'm trying to sell cleaning products for Birsch Industries."
Growing up my Dad used to always tell me how important it is to find a job you love. Something that makes you happy... and I just haven't found it yet. I know I'm still only 27 but as my life moves on and I have a family and I now know I'll probably be moving every few years it has become even more important to me that I find something that makes me happy. Something that is JUST MINE. Something I can be proud of and can help me contribute to the world even if it's just in a minute way.
So this is my way of asking the universe for help! Please help me find my niche, my passion, my love, my happiness in this world. And please give me the confidence and insight to see it when you show it to me!!!
Thanks for listening!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Matt
My husband is awesome. So awesome I wanted to dedicate a post just to him. For those of you who don't know him... he is funny, smart, honest, friendly and secure in who he is. I don't know how I ended up being so lucky and finding him. He always knows how to make me laugh, he's a wonderful father who loves to play with Cynthia and show her off to his friends, and he's always there for me when I need him the most. He's my shoulder to cry on ... even if I decide to start at midnight and he has to wake up at 4am the next morning.
Most importantly... he is my best friend. I can be myself around him. 100% I don't have to be embarrassed or hide anything. It is wonderful when you can find someone that brings out the best in you and makes you love yourself even more. I love him with all of my heart and would not trade him for the world... or anything else.
You're awesome, babe!!
Love always and forever,
Elaine
Most importantly... he is my best friend. I can be myself around him. 100% I don't have to be embarrassed or hide anything. It is wonderful when you can find someone that brings out the best in you and makes you love yourself even more. I love him with all of my heart and would not trade him for the world... or anything else.
You're awesome, babe!!
Love always and forever,
Elaine
Thursday, July 9, 2009
poems
I was looking through an old journal and found some poems I wrote. They are old and I never expected to share them with anyone but I guess I will now...
Love Never Dies
Your love has always kept me warm
acting as a light through every storm
When you had to go away I wanted you to stay
I was scared things would never be the same.
Everything looked dark and my sadness grew
then I thought of you and the love came through
I know it will be hard to say good-bye
there will even be times when I want to cry
but I know in my heart
love never dies.
(RIP Robert Wayne Hardison)
Sugar Coated Dreams
My need for someone to hold
harbors the poison killing my soul
dissolving my sugar coated dreams
forming sweet puddles on the ground
until they're lifted again by the sun's beams
The Sun is Bright
I keep hanging on to this pain I feel
It has become my companion
never leaving my side
afraid it might miss a moment
A moment in time
when the sky is blue
and the sun is bright
when I'm smiling
and welcome the light
I keep clearing my mind
trying to erase all these daydreams
fantasies that will never come true
I keep brushing my teeth
scrubbing and rinsing
trying to forget the taste of you
that moment
A moment in time
when the sky is blue
and the sun is bright
when I'm smiling
and welcome the light
I keep crying alone
wiping the tears
too proud to admit they fell
cleansing my eyes of all the times
I've pictured you in hell
How could this happen?
I knew better than that
When will I be rid of this pain?
I knew it was coming
that's why I kept running
but still you caught up
and left me in the rain.
So maybe I'm the one to blame...
So will I ever see it again?
this moment
A moment in time
when the sky is blue
and the sun is bright
when I'm smiling
and welcome the light
or will I be looking for you?
Love Never Dies
Your love has always kept me warm
acting as a light through every storm
When you had to go away I wanted you to stay
I was scared things would never be the same.
Everything looked dark and my sadness grew
then I thought of you and the love came through
I know it will be hard to say good-bye
there will even be times when I want to cry
but I know in my heart
love never dies.
(RIP Robert Wayne Hardison)
Sugar Coated Dreams
My need for someone to hold
harbors the poison killing my soul
dissolving my sugar coated dreams
forming sweet puddles on the ground
until they're lifted again by the sun's beams
The Sun is Bright
I keep hanging on to this pain I feel
It has become my companion
never leaving my side
afraid it might miss a moment
A moment in time
when the sky is blue
and the sun is bright
when I'm smiling
and welcome the light
I keep clearing my mind
trying to erase all these daydreams
fantasies that will never come true
I keep brushing my teeth
scrubbing and rinsing
trying to forget the taste of you
that moment
A moment in time
when the sky is blue
and the sun is bright
when I'm smiling
and welcome the light
I keep crying alone
wiping the tears
too proud to admit they fell
cleansing my eyes of all the times
I've pictured you in hell
How could this happen?
I knew better than that
When will I be rid of this pain?
I knew it was coming
that's why I kept running
but still you caught up
and left me in the rain.
So maybe I'm the one to blame...
So will I ever see it again?
this moment
A moment in time
when the sky is blue
and the sun is bright
when I'm smiling
and welcome the light
or will I be looking for you?
military spouses
I know, I'm on a roll today!
I just wanted to show my appreciation for all the military spouses out there. I know I am one so I'm a little bias but I don't know if "civilians" really understand how much military spouses sacrafice.
Yes, we are lucky... we get free health care, housing, support groups, and a paycheck every 2 weeks. I do not take that for granted, not at all. And this isn't meant to be a complaint or "feel sorry for me" moment.
That being said...
A military spouse has a lot to deal with. We take care of the house, the bills, the pets, the cars, the children and that's when everything else in our life is going smoothly. We can act as single parents for months at a time if not longer and we never know what will happen next. Where we will live in the next few years, if there will be a new war our spouse will be sent to fight, and if our spouse will even make it home safely.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is the next time you see a man or woman in uniform and you decide you want to thank them for their service don't forget to look at the wife/husband standing next to them and thank them too. :)
I just wanted to show my appreciation for all the military spouses out there. I know I am one so I'm a little bias but I don't know if "civilians" really understand how much military spouses sacrafice.
Yes, we are lucky... we get free health care, housing, support groups, and a paycheck every 2 weeks. I do not take that for granted, not at all. And this isn't meant to be a complaint or "feel sorry for me" moment.
That being said...
A military spouse has a lot to deal with. We take care of the house, the bills, the pets, the cars, the children and that's when everything else in our life is going smoothly. We can act as single parents for months at a time if not longer and we never know what will happen next. Where we will live in the next few years, if there will be a new war our spouse will be sent to fight, and if our spouse will even make it home safely.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is the next time you see a man or woman in uniform and you decide you want to thank them for their service don't forget to look at the wife/husband standing next to them and thank them too. :)
US vs. Japan
What I miss about the US:
my family
my friends
buying clothes that fit me
cheap/free parking
tv without AFN commercials
radio stations
watching movies as soon as they come out
BOJANGLES... Mmmm (what chu know bout dat?)
Chinese buffets
Papa John's bread sticks
Capt George's seafood buffet (in VA Beach)
Target
Wal-Mart
malls
cheap produce
and much more!!
Things I DON'T miss about the US:
the lack of customer service
angry and rude people
litter all over the streets
crime rate
lack of HEALTHY food choices
loud mouthed ignorant people (racists, bigots, idiots)
talking in public and worrying about who is listening... lol
and much more...
the grass is always greener, right?
my family
my friends
buying clothes that fit me
cheap/free parking
tv without AFN commercials
radio stations
watching movies as soon as they come out
BOJANGLES... Mmmm (what chu know bout dat?)
Chinese buffets
Papa John's bread sticks
Capt George's seafood buffet (in VA Beach)
Target
Wal-Mart
malls
cheap produce
and much more!!
Things I DON'T miss about the US:
the lack of customer service
angry and rude people
litter all over the streets
crime rate
lack of HEALTHY food choices
loud mouthed ignorant people (racists, bigots, idiots)
talking in public and worrying about who is listening... lol
and much more...
the grass is always greener, right?
Introduction
Welcome to my blog!!
And my awesome dogs, Kisaki (Saki) and Nearco...
For those who don't know me... I am 27 years old. I grew up as a military brat. My Dad is a retired Marine and met my Mother while stationed in Japan... yes, I am half Japanese. I lived in NC for most of my life. That's where my Dad retired. I have two older sisters (9 years older) who are twins.
I currently live in Yokohama, Japan with my amazing husband, Matt...
My wonderful daughter, Cynthia...
And my awesome dogs, Kisaki (Saki) and Nearco...
I've decided to start a blog for a number of reasons...
number one: I love to write and I think it would be cool to share my thoughts and ideas with the world.
number two: I need an outlet. I've recently become a housewife/stay-at-home Mom and need an outlet to vent, feel creative and feel like I'm doing something other than taking care of my family.
number three: I think it would be cool to let people into my head and get feedback. To find out that there may be people out there that enjoy my writing or that can relate to the things I put in my blog.
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