Saturday, December 22, 2012

Random Thoughts II

Why is Britney Spears still famous?  The girl can't sing, she's only average in the look department and she was dumb enough to dump Justin.  Hello!?  Who are these people still paying to listen to that nasally voice?
Oh and while I'm on the subject of famous people who really SHOULD NOT BE...Kesha...oh my mistake, Ke$ha.  Enough said.

Why do I feel like a badass when I chew gum?  Like being able to chew and walk at the same time makes me superior or something...?  It makes me want to go buy aviator glasses and a leather jacket.

Was it just me or did Mark Wahlberg in Fear make everyone wish they could have a stalker?

I think all my neighbors have seen me with my finger in my nose ever since I got it pierced.  I like to play with it.

Have you noticed how people act like no one can see them when they're in their cars?  I've seen some crazy things... I mean crazy.

Milkshakes give me diarrhea and for some reason I still love them.  Mmmm milkshakes!  But if you gave me diarrhea I'd probably hate you.

Who made three balls out of snow, stacked them on top of each other and said "Hey!  That looks like a dude!"  Complete waste of a carrot if you ask me.  And why would you put a scarf on someone made of snow?  Ummm I think he likes being cold.

Why do I find all kinds of stuff I want when I'm out shopping for someone else?  But when I'm shopping for me I can't find crap!?  It pisses me off!

I know everyone thinks this about their kids but my kids are the cutest kids in the entire world!  And unlike everyone else... I'm right!  They can still be a pain in the ass though.

Why do I always feel the urge to drink hard liquor after I put my kids to bed?

The best thing about gummy bears is they are so damn cute and you get to eat them up without people thinking you're psycho.  Isn't it weird that people look at kids and say, "You're so cute!  I just wanna eat you up!"  And no one even flinches?

Why do we get drunk on New Year's Eve just so we can be hung over the next day?  And then we want to complain when our year sucks... Well look how it started.  That should have been a clue.

Bras with underwire suck!  All you girls with little titties that can walk around with no bra on can kiss my ass!

Yea I said it!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Balls are important.

  Okay ladies... We need to talk.  Now usually I'm the first one to take the woman's side in an argument. I mean, we need to stick together and we all know 99% of the time the man is wrong anyway so taking the woman's side is the logical choice... BUT... I have to say, ladies you're starting to make things hard on me.
 I don't know what is wrong with females these days... Maybe it's too much tv filling their heads with nonsense or maybe we're just becoming too spoiled... But things just aren't adding up.
   So to be more specific I'm talking about this idea or fantasy that women have about the "perfect" man.  You want him to be strong and assertive but for some reason I haven't quite figured out, you also want him to take pottery classes with you and take you to the movies to watch the latest romantic comedy.  This doesn't add up, girls.  You can't expect your man to have balls when you've just castrated him by making him go to a painting class with you filled with old women chatting and painting barns.  I mean come on!  I'm all for showing each other support for your hobbies or passions but there are some things you should just never ask a guy to do.  And for God's sake stop taking your man clothes shopping with you!  I mean I get it if you're shopping for something specifically for him... like lingerie... but when I see those guys sitting on a chair outside of the fitting room holding your purse with a look of pure agony on their faces I want to just go to them and whisper, "Your balls are shrinking by the second, man.  Go now before its too late!!"
  Fo real, girls... You either want a man who will have your back but refuse a pottery class or a man who will hide behind your back because he forgot his balls in that pottery class... Your choice.  There are plenty of ways for your man to show you he loves you and none of them require arts and crafts, if you know what I'm sayin'.  (Wiggling eyebrows). So please let's get our priorities straight here and get back to the things that really matter like complete world domination and male strip clubs!!

Just sayin'.