Friday, December 6, 2013

I'm not a badass... I just look like one.

      I remember a time when I'd get excited about concerts. I'd get decked out in my coolest outfit, have a little "pre-game" action at the hotel room with my friends (I mean getting intoxicated get your mind outta the gutter) and then we'd go to the amphitheater or coliseum, get as close to the stage as possible (knowing damn well we'd be swallowed by a crazy ass mosh pit) and I'd have the time of my life.
      Yes, I've fallen in more mosh pits than I'd like to admit. And any of you who have been in a REAL mosh pit know that could be a life or death situation. I've been in situations where I looked behind me and wondered "Now how in the hell are we getting out of this?". But that was the thrill of it all. The danger, the threat, and the test of your bravery. Did you have the balls to say "fuck it!" and just throw yourself into the music.
      I remember driving around with my friends and seeing a crowd of girls on the side of the road. One of my friends caught a glimpse of them flicking us off in the rear view mirror as we passed and although there were more of them, there was no hesitation. The brakes were slammed on and the car was doing a U-turn before I even knew what was going on. The posse of girls took off running in every direction and we felt badass because they'd run from us. lol Lord know what would have happened if they actually stayed and fought. Oh, to be teenagers again.
       One time in high school one of the most popular guys in school was in my class. He was handsome, he was a surfer and everyone knew him. He was also making the most annoying noise over and over and over again although I'd told him to shut up repeatedly. Something in me snapped. The next thing I knew I was stalking toward him. His eyes went wide as saucers and he backed himself against the wall where I grabbed his jaw and smushed his cheeks together before yelling, "Shut the fuck up!" That got everyone's attention.
      I've never been in a fight. I tried, talked trash, but it never got to that point. I've always been a tomboy. I've always preferred jeans over skirts. And I was raised by my sisters to never accept anything less than the same respect I'd show someone else. I see pain as a way to gain strength not as something that will weaken me. I have tattoos that are visible. And the older I get the less I really give a shit what you think about me.
      So what's my point?? Somehow these kinds of things relayed the message to the world that I was a badass. I'm not a badass.
      You know what I get excited about now? Scented candles, romance novels and new vacuums. I get absolutely giddy when I see a pair of baby DC's in Journey's because GOD DAMMIT those fucking shoes are ADORABLE! I also feel bad for baby bunnies that my dog kills and brings into my garage. I have a soft heart.
      So just sayin'... if being a badass means being violent or vengeful or angry... that's so not me.
BUT if it means not giving a fuck about people judging you, if it means standing up for what you think is right, if it means being willing to sacrifice your own safety to protect the safety of someone you love,  if it means being REAL... then shit, maybe I am. But I'd never admit it.

Monday, March 11, 2013

book wormin' it

 I got sucked into some kind of crazy worm hole full of hot guys, crazy women, unpredictable circumstances and TONS of DRAMA and I LOVE IT!

  Okay so I used to read before. Sometimes I'd read something Oprah recommended (yes, I love Oprah! Don't talk shit about my homegirl!), sometimes I'd read philosophical books or books I thought would make me smarter. Some of them were amazing, life changing even and then some were not.
  So I started seeing all these posts on Facebook about some book called Fifty Shades of Grey and my curiosity was peaked. I have an iPad and a Kindle so I'm like, "Hey let me buy these books and see what they're about."

     I'm hooked, shocked, aroused and completely changed for life. This book is not only easy to read, it's got sex!! And not just "They kissed, they got under the covers, they made love" sex... I mean all out, BDSM, tie her up, spank her butt, make her climax over and over sex!!!
     I wasn't quite sure what to do! It was like an acceptable form of porn that didn't require you to hide in the dark, lock the door and pray no one walked in!! AND to top it all off it was specifically for WOMEN!! I mean I saw women reading Fifty Shades while working out on the gym. Some carried them in their diaper bags and sat in coffee shops sipping on their lattes all the while probably getting totally hot reading about Christian Grey and his MANY skills in the sack.

 It was then I realized I had just dug a small hole in the ground and found gold. 
  Then I thought... I bet if I keep digging I can find more! And man, was I right! The more I dug, the more deliciously hot and scandalous books I discovered. Some made me cry, some made me laugh, MOST made me hot and they all inspired me. I mean who knew books could be this much FUN to read and this addictive!?
  Honestly, I feel bad for all the people out there (mostly the younger generations) who view reading as dorky or uncool because they are seriously missing out. Especially the women... I mean there's a whole world of acceptable porn, romance, comedy, drama, etc... ALL geared to please us and you are missing out!! BIG TIME!

So anyway... All I'm sayin' is I am now officially a book worm and VERY proud of it! Oh and also an author... ;)  

Thursday, January 31, 2013


 Okay so I don't usually admit this...which is saying something since I pretty much admit everything... I'm clumsy. It's a little embarrassing since I'm half ninja so I try to deny it but after thinking back to some of the things I've done... well yeah... I'm clumsy.

Example #1:
Once when my husband (then boyfriend) was taking a shower in our old apartment I thought it would be funny to spy on him. Okay so I'm a little bit of a perv too. I stood up on the toilet cover, leaned toward the shower with my hand on the towel rack for leverage and got up on my tippy toes to peek over the top of the shower curtain. I started to giggle and just when Matt looked up at me the towel rack broke. I went flying forward into the shower curtain and landed with the top half of my body on the shower floor getting soaked and the bottom half of my body on the bathroom floor.  Matt and I laughed so hard I'm not sure how long it took for him to finally ask me if I was okay.

Example #2:
I used to walk to work when I lived in Japan because my job was really close and we only had one car. So one day on the way to work I fell... on caution paint. Yes, I said caution paint. That's the bright yellow paint they put on curbs or other dangerous areas to warn you to be CAUTIOUS. The thing is I didn't fall because of the curb that they were warning me about. I stepped on the thick, glossy coat of fresh yellow paint and my foot slid right off of it... causing me to fall. I scrapped my knee pretty bad, yelled "What the F*^%!!!??" really loud as I descended to the ground and then realized not only did I fall in the middle of the street ON CAUTION PAINT, I cussed in front of an elementary school.

Example #3:
When I was in high school I used to skateboard. Now when I say skateboard I don't mean doing tricks and bustin' moves that made me totally awesome. I mean I used to stand on my board and push myself around without falling. Trust me this was an amazing feat for me... took me a long time to get there. So anyway... one day my friends and I were hanging out at Nichole's house and Nichole had a wooden ramp on the side of her house that started at the top of her porch and stopped at the sidewalk. This wooden ramp had one piece of plywood on the top that was warped. So we have our boards what better thing to do than ride our boards down the ramp right? So my friends take turns and they all avoid the warped section of the wood. I go and I even void it.  **Good Lord it's a miracle I did something gracefully!** Well instead of counting my lucky stars and just being happy I made it once I get excited and decide I'm going to skateboard down this ramp from now until the end of time because A) it's fun and B) I'm sure I look really cool doing it. So the second time around I'm less cautious and BAM! My board hits the warped piece of wood, my wheel gets stuck and it stops moving.  Unfortunately my body does not. I go flying down the ramp, across the sidewalk and land shoulder first into the dirt. My shoulder stops there but my legs decide they aren't done yet so they continue flying until they are up and over my head. By now I'm folded like a pretzel on the ground and my friends are doubled over laughing so hard they look like they may pee themselves. For about a year after that we could still point out the crater my shoulder left in the dirt outside Nichole's house.

Example #4:
We had a hammock in our backyard. It was a beautiful fall day and I decided I was going to bring some blankets and a pillow outside and take nice nap on the hammock. So I go out there with my arms full of blankets and a pillow on top. I get there and proceed to make my makeshift bed. It looks amazingly comfortable and I can hardly wait to get on. I crawl on top of the hammock slowly situate myself and the hammock rolls. I land face first in the dirt with my pillow and blankets draped on top of me. I thought I survived this with no witnesses but little did I know my Grammy watched the entire thing from her window and laughed so hard she nearly peed herself.  Nice.

Example #5:
NEVER and I mean NEVER let me wash a wine or champaign glass if you want to keep it. On the other hand if you'd like it to end up in pieces in the kitchen sink then by all means ask me to wash it.

I could go on like this forever...

So anyway... just sayin' I'm a klutz. So what?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


I woke up in a good mood this morning.  I rolled over, stretched and smiled when I noticed the sun shinning through the window.  I looked up at my ceiling fan and held my breath so I could listen for my kids.  They were quiet. It was an awesome start to a great morning. I started thinking about my workout and what I wanted to get accomplished as I got up and made my way to the bathroom and then I heard my son start crying from his room.  This was okay... that's how he always wakes up.  He cries until someone comes to get him out of his crib.  I quickly brushed my teeth and put my contacts in so I could go get him.  My daughter was still asleep so I left her alone. I gave my son a big hug, changed his diaper and we made our way to the kitchen to get his breakfast and my coffee. My son smiled and talked in his gibberish as I put a piece of toast in the toaster for him, gave him a cup of milk, half a banana and started on my coffee. And that's when I heard it.  Gagging and then what sounded like a bucket of mud hitting my carpet.  I rush to my dining room which has CREAM colored carpeting and saw my dog, Saki standing there with a "don't kill me" look as she stood over a nice wet pile of puke.
           I immediately started yelling, "Saki!  What the- Get out of here!  Why the carpet!?  WHY! Go! Go! Go!" She starts gagging again, runs through the kitchen and goes straight into the living room where she stops just above the RUG and pukes AGAIN!!!! I stop and take a deep breath.  Don't kill her, Elaine.  You love her.  Don't kill her.  I actually say "Wooosaah" out loud but it comes out more like "WOOOOOSSSAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" I look up to see my daughter standing there with sleepy eyes and she asks me why I'm yelling. Um HELLO! So after spending fifteen minutes of my morning cleaning up dog puke I FINALLY finish setting up my coffee and start making my daughters breakfast as I wait. I got a deal at the grocery store for english muffins... buy one get one free. So of course I bought them. I tell Cynthia she will have an english muffin for breakfast and half a banana. She says she wants toast instead because toast is warm. So I spend the next five minutes trying to explain to my four year old that a toasted english muffin is just as warm as a toasted piece of bread before I finally realize what I'm doing.
    "Cynthia be quiet.  You're getting an english muffin and you're going to like every bite!" that solves that!
   So after finally getting some coffee in my system I get my workout clothes on, take my daughter to school and then go to the gym. I'm on the elliptical reading my book and texting... I like to multitask it makes me feel important... when my knee starts killing me. So I decide to stop ten minutes early and go lift weights so now my knee AND my arms and shoulders hurt like hell.  Nice.
  I go home and decide to watch the last episode of Game of Thrones (Season 1) because I'm dying to see what happens and Shaun is taking his morning nap.  And what happens? With nine minutes left in the episode Shaun wakes up crying.  UGGH!!!
  At noon I go to pick Cynthia up from school and go to Target to get a few things for the house. It's windy and freaking FREEZING outside today so I let Cynthia sit in the back of the cart with Shaun in the front so I don't have to wait for her.  Her legs are short and she's easily distracted. When I get back to the car to unload everything I grab Shaun first and start strapping him into his seat when I hear Cynthia squeal.  I turn around to see my cart and daughter rolling away in the wind.  Shaun isn't strapped all the way in so I can't leave him cause he's crazy and will try to jump out of the car so I stick my leg out and catch the edge of the cart with my toes... this felt amazing on my knee by the way. I continue to hold the cart with my toes as I finish strapping Shaun in.
  When we get home I get the kids settled for lunch. I leave the room for a few minutes to put the stuff away that I bought and come back to find Shaun playing in a puddle of milk on the table.  He's smacking his hands in it and putting his face in it trying to drink it from the table successfully soaking the entire front of his hair in milk.  Where is my one way ticket to crazy town cause I'm ready.  I'm SOOO READY.  
   I clean up the hellish mess my kids left after lunch and watch the clock waiting for nap time.  I love nap time.  It's the best part of the day...second to bedtime of course. Nap time finally comes and that means I can finally take a shower! I get the kids down and head to my bathroom actually excited about being in a room by myself with no interruptions for a whole ten minutes!
  I start to wash my hair and realize I grabbed the conditioner instead of the shampoo so now I have to rinse the conditioner out so I can shampoo my hair which I was supposed to do in the first place!  Ugh calm down.  It's okay.  Calm Down.  It's okay.  
  I get my hair lathered up and then I hear it.
"Mommy I have to go poo poo!" My daughter still isn't proficient in wiping poop from her butt so I still help her.
"Okay just use my toilet."  I sigh as I realize my shower time will now be cut short. And then she decides to also tell me.
"I accidentally went poo poo in my underwear."  I whip the shower curtain back and sure enough she poop in her underwear and now it's on my toilet seat, my floor and in my toilet.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
  So what do I get to do AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER???  Clean shit!  YES!!!
So now here I am... my kids are in bed although I'm sure they're just lying in there plotting and my nap time break is quickly coming to an end.  It is only 2:49 PM... I still have six more hours to survive.  So this is my way of asking for help.
Just sayin' someone please PRAY FOR ME!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Random Thoughts II

Why is Britney Spears still famous?  The girl can't sing, she's only average in the look department and she was dumb enough to dump Justin.  Hello!?  Who are these people still paying to listen to that nasally voice?
Oh and while I'm on the subject of famous people who really SHOULD NOT BE...Kesha...oh my mistake, Ke$ha.  Enough said.

Why do I feel like a badass when I chew gum?  Like being able to chew and walk at the same time makes me superior or something...?  It makes me want to go buy aviator glasses and a leather jacket.

Was it just me or did Mark Wahlberg in Fear make everyone wish they could have a stalker?

I think all my neighbors have seen me with my finger in my nose ever since I got it pierced.  I like to play with it.

Have you noticed how people act like no one can see them when they're in their cars?  I've seen some crazy things... I mean crazy.

Milkshakes give me diarrhea and for some reason I still love them.  Mmmm milkshakes!  But if you gave me diarrhea I'd probably hate you.

Who made three balls out of snow, stacked them on top of each other and said "Hey!  That looks like a dude!"  Complete waste of a carrot if you ask me.  And why would you put a scarf on someone made of snow?  Ummm I think he likes being cold.

Why do I find all kinds of stuff I want when I'm out shopping for someone else?  But when I'm shopping for me I can't find crap!?  It pisses me off!

I know everyone thinks this about their kids but my kids are the cutest kids in the entire world!  And unlike everyone else... I'm right!  They can still be a pain in the ass though.

Why do I always feel the urge to drink hard liquor after I put my kids to bed?

The best thing about gummy bears is they are so damn cute and you get to eat them up without people thinking you're psycho.  Isn't it weird that people look at kids and say, "You're so cute!  I just wanna eat you up!"  And no one even flinches?

Why do we get drunk on New Year's Eve just so we can be hung over the next day?  And then we want to complain when our year sucks... Well look how it started.  That should have been a clue.

Bras with underwire suck!  All you girls with little titties that can walk around with no bra on can kiss my ass!

Yea I said it!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Balls are important.

  Okay ladies... We need to talk.  Now usually I'm the first one to take the woman's side in an argument. I mean, we need to stick together and we all know 99% of the time the man is wrong anyway so taking the woman's side is the logical choice... BUT... I have to say, ladies you're starting to make things hard on me.
 I don't know what is wrong with females these days... Maybe it's too much tv filling their heads with nonsense or maybe we're just becoming too spoiled... But things just aren't adding up.
   So to be more specific I'm talking about this idea or fantasy that women have about the "perfect" man.  You want him to be strong and assertive but for some reason I haven't quite figured out, you also want him to take pottery classes with you and take you to the movies to watch the latest romantic comedy.  This doesn't add up, girls.  You can't expect your man to have balls when you've just castrated him by making him go to a painting class with you filled with old women chatting and painting barns.  I mean come on!  I'm all for showing each other support for your hobbies or passions but there are some things you should just never ask a guy to do.  And for God's sake stop taking your man clothes shopping with you!  I mean I get it if you're shopping for something specifically for him... like lingerie... but when I see those guys sitting on a chair outside of the fitting room holding your purse with a look of pure agony on their faces I want to just go to them and whisper, "Your balls are shrinking by the second, man.  Go now before its too late!!"
  Fo real, girls... You either want a man who will have your back but refuse a pottery class or a man who will hide behind your back because he forgot his balls in that pottery class... Your choice.  There are plenty of ways for your man to show you he loves you and none of them require arts and crafts, if you know what I'm sayin'.  (Wiggling eyebrows). So please let's get our priorities straight here and get back to the things that really matter like complete world domination and male strip clubs!!

Just sayin'.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

What's cooler than bein' cool?

    I'm not cool.  I'm a dork.  And I'm ok with that.  I think I realized it back when I was in high school, when I saw what it took to be cool.  It's too much damn work if you ask me.  You have to make sure you're wearing the latest trends, never getting caught doing something "uncool" all the while making fun of everyone who doesn't try.

Pfft.  If you ask me, being cool is lame.  I'd much rather be warm. warm and cozy.  Those cool people must be exhausted.  What with all the pretending and being terrified of getting caught with their fly down or falling in front of a crowd.  Not to mention having to keep up with the ever changing coolness in the world.  I mean at one time calling someone "phat" was a compliment... do people even use "Phat" anymore?  Or is that totally uncool now?  Do people even use the word "cool" anymore?  For all I know I could be becoming more uncool by the second.

  And then there's the people who try to be cool even though they know damn well they aren't.  Poor bastards.  You know the ones... they come in wearing the name brand clothes, their hair done in the latest "edgy" style and every other word that comes out of their mouth is slang.  "Yo homie.  What's crackalackin'?  We gunna get twisted tonight or what dawg?  YOLO son.YOLO.  Deuces."
  What in the... You need a freakin' douchebag dictionary to keep up with those dumbasses. I mean why can't people just be real?  Who cares what other people think?  For real.
AND THEN... there's the people who try to test how cool you are like they feel threatened that you might be cooler than them or something. I walked into the gas station the other day and I was attacked by one! And I was so freakin' tired I didn't even realize I fell right into his trap!  Dammit!  I was wearing my WuTang Clan t-shirt... That shirt is the shit by the way... I buy a red bull and some apple juice for my kids and the guy behind the counter... Yes, he worked at the gas station... says "Wu Tang?  What you know about Wu Tang?  Name the members."  Now what I should have said was "Kiss my ass, douchebag and ring up my red bull."  But I'm competitive and this dude was questioning my Wu Tang knowledge so instead I started naming some, "Method Man, Reakwon, RZA,GZA, Ghostface Killa', ODB, Inspectah Deck..."  Then I paused... I always forget U-God and Masta Killa for some reason.  And the guys says. "Redman.  Yea I saw them at Lallapalooza."  That's when I realized what a douche this guy was.  First of all, Redman wasn't part of The Wu Tang Clan and he knows damn well he wasn't at Lallapalooza to see Wu Tang.  I refused to say anymore. I grabbed my red bull and got the hell outta there before his douchebagginess rubbed off.  I mean how are you going to try and quiz someone on their coolness when you aren't even on their level?  I mean he wasn't!  He wasn't even on MY level of coolness and that's saying a lot since I'm so not cool.

Anyway... All I'm sayin is stop tryin so damn hard.  And from now on people should be required to walk around with these on so we can have some kind of warning before we're standing in a gas station somewhere naming the members of Wu Tang.
Ignore the minty fresh gum part.