Saturday, December 22, 2012

Random Thoughts II

Why is Britney Spears still famous?  The girl can't sing, she's only average in the look department and she was dumb enough to dump Justin.  Hello!?  Who are these people still paying to listen to that nasally voice?
Oh and while I'm on the subject of famous people who really SHOULD NOT BE...Kesha...oh my mistake, Ke$ha.  Enough said.

Why do I feel like a badass when I chew gum?  Like being able to chew and walk at the same time makes me superior or something...?  It makes me want to go buy aviator glasses and a leather jacket.

Was it just me or did Mark Wahlberg in Fear make everyone wish they could have a stalker?

I think all my neighbors have seen me with my finger in my nose ever since I got it pierced.  I like to play with it.

Have you noticed how people act like no one can see them when they're in their cars?  I've seen some crazy things... I mean crazy.

Milkshakes give me diarrhea and for some reason I still love them.  Mmmm milkshakes!  But if you gave me diarrhea I'd probably hate you.

Who made three balls out of snow, stacked them on top of each other and said "Hey!  That looks like a dude!"  Complete waste of a carrot if you ask me.  And why would you put a scarf on someone made of snow?  Ummm I think he likes being cold.

Why do I find all kinds of stuff I want when I'm out shopping for someone else?  But when I'm shopping for me I can't find crap!?  It pisses me off!

I know everyone thinks this about their kids but my kids are the cutest kids in the entire world!  And unlike everyone else... I'm right!  They can still be a pain in the ass though.

Why do I always feel the urge to drink hard liquor after I put my kids to bed?

The best thing about gummy bears is they are so damn cute and you get to eat them up without people thinking you're psycho.  Isn't it weird that people look at kids and say, "You're so cute!  I just wanna eat you up!"  And no one even flinches?

Why do we get drunk on New Year's Eve just so we can be hung over the next day?  And then we want to complain when our year sucks... Well look how it started.  That should have been a clue.

Bras with underwire suck!  All you girls with little titties that can walk around with no bra on can kiss my ass!

Yea I said it!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Balls are important.

  Okay ladies... We need to talk.  Now usually I'm the first one to take the woman's side in an argument. I mean, we need to stick together and we all know 99% of the time the man is wrong anyway so taking the woman's side is the logical choice... BUT... I have to say, ladies you're starting to make things hard on me.
 I don't know what is wrong with females these days... Maybe it's too much tv filling their heads with nonsense or maybe we're just becoming too spoiled... But things just aren't adding up.
   So to be more specific I'm talking about this idea or fantasy that women have about the "perfect" man.  You want him to be strong and assertive but for some reason I haven't quite figured out, you also want him to take pottery classes with you and take you to the movies to watch the latest romantic comedy.  This doesn't add up, girls.  You can't expect your man to have balls when you've just castrated him by making him go to a painting class with you filled with old women chatting and painting barns.  I mean come on!  I'm all for showing each other support for your hobbies or passions but there are some things you should just never ask a guy to do.  And for God's sake stop taking your man clothes shopping with you!  I mean I get it if you're shopping for something specifically for him... like lingerie... but when I see those guys sitting on a chair outside of the fitting room holding your purse with a look of pure agony on their faces I want to just go to them and whisper, "Your balls are shrinking by the second, man.  Go now before its too late!!"
  Fo real, girls... You either want a man who will have your back but refuse a pottery class or a man who will hide behind your back because he forgot his balls in that pottery class... Your choice.  There are plenty of ways for your man to show you he loves you and none of them require arts and crafts, if you know what I'm sayin'.  (Wiggling eyebrows). So please let's get our priorities straight here and get back to the things that really matter like complete world domination and male strip clubs!!

Just sayin'.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

What's cooler than bein' cool?

    I'm not cool.  I'm a dork.  And I'm ok with that.  I think I realized it back when I was in high school, when I saw what it took to be cool.  It's too much damn work if you ask me.  You have to make sure you're wearing the latest trends, never getting caught doing something "uncool" all the while making fun of everyone who doesn't try.

Pfft.  If you ask me, being cool is lame.  I'd much rather be warm. warm and cozy.  Those cool people must be exhausted.  What with all the pretending and being terrified of getting caught with their fly down or falling in front of a crowd.  Not to mention having to keep up with the ever changing coolness in the world.  I mean at one time calling someone "phat" was a compliment... do people even use "Phat" anymore?  Or is that totally uncool now?  Do people even use the word "cool" anymore?  For all I know I could be becoming more uncool by the second.

  And then there's the people who try to be cool even though they know damn well they aren't.  Poor bastards.  You know the ones... they come in wearing the name brand clothes, their hair done in the latest "edgy" style and every other word that comes out of their mouth is slang.  "Yo homie.  What's crackalackin'?  We gunna get twisted tonight or what dawg?  YOLO son.YOLO.  Deuces."
  What in the... You need a freakin' douchebag dictionary to keep up with those dumbasses. I mean why can't people just be real?  Who cares what other people think?  For real.
AND THEN... there's the people who try to test how cool you are like they feel threatened that you might be cooler than them or something. I walked into the gas station the other day and I was attacked by one! And I was so freakin' tired I didn't even realize I fell right into his trap!  Dammit!  I was wearing my WuTang Clan t-shirt... That shirt is the shit by the way... I buy a red bull and some apple juice for my kids and the guy behind the counter... Yes, he worked at the gas station... says "Wu Tang?  What you know about Wu Tang?  Name the members."  Now what I should have said was "Kiss my ass, douchebag and ring up my red bull."  But I'm competitive and this dude was questioning my Wu Tang knowledge so instead I started naming some, "Method Man, Reakwon, RZA,GZA, Ghostface Killa', ODB, Inspectah Deck..."  Then I paused... I always forget U-God and Masta Killa for some reason.  And the guys says. "Redman.  Yea I saw them at Lallapalooza."  That's when I realized what a douche this guy was.  First of all, Redman wasn't part of The Wu Tang Clan and he knows damn well he wasn't at Lallapalooza to see Wu Tang.  I refused to say anymore. I grabbed my red bull and got the hell outta there before his douchebagginess rubbed off.  I mean how are you going to try and quiz someone on their coolness when you aren't even on their level?  I mean he wasn't!  He wasn't even on MY level of coolness and that's saying a lot since I'm so not cool.

Anyway... All I'm sayin is stop tryin so damn hard.  And from now on people should be required to walk around with these on so we can have some kind of warning before we're standing in a gas station somewhere naming the members of Wu Tang.
Ignore the minty fresh gum part.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

Education...Miami style

Things I learned while on vacation in Miami:

Don't assume a guy is gay just because he acts like he is...

Competing with your sisters on who can get more people to say "dick" or "cock" is hilarious!  Just be careful who you ask... There are some creepy guys out there.

Don't try to take a picture with a DJ when you are drunk... There are a whole lotta wires back there!

When I'm drunk the word "mango" instantly becomes "melon".

Don't dance with drunk sailors from Rio.

Don't ask your husband for permission to get a tattoo while drunk... They're less likely to agree to it.

No matter how mad Cindy is, if you wave at her she will ALWAYS wave back.

Golden Va Jay Jays can turn lights on just by mentioning them.

If you hear about a "chunky monkey contest" run in the other direction.

Bartenders from London will get you VERY drunk!

Women who drink alone aren't very good at playing pool... Especially if they start off looking in the table for the pool sticks.

Kristine is a hilarious drunk even with the crazy mood swings.

There are no male strip clubs in all of Miami!!  Wtf!?

"We'll play it by the wing" means we'll decide as we go in Cindy talk.

Kristine threatens to kill a lot of people when she's drunk.

Coffee and mimosas aren't the best breakfast after a night of drinking.

Hotel phones don't work we'll when they aren't plugged in.

When people you don't recognize ask you if you're going to dance again and know exactly what you were drinking the night before, it means you had a great night.

When you go to sleep with numb lips and toes it also means you had a great night.

And last... The most important thing I learned was... My sisters and I still got it and I have a feeling we always will.  ;)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Objectify Men.

Ok.  Time for a new movement...  It's time we women take our power back.  I mean lets keep it real, we hold all the power anyway.  It's time we put it to good use.
  First, I propose we start beauty pageants for men.  We'll call them hottie pageants or the eye candy parade.   We'll make them flex their muscles while they answer questions about cooking and how to properly worship a woman... All while shirtless of course.
  Second, we start cat calling.  When a hot guy walks into a room all the females start whistling and saying stuff like, "hey baby, nice ass!  Why don't you flex those big strong biceps for us.  Oh don't be shy hot stuff."  Wouldn't that be so much fun!!?
  Third, we start opening more male strip clubs.  Now in order to do this we have to actually go, otherwise they'll go bankrupt.  So I say when our men go to sleep and the kids are tucked nice and tight in their beds we go out, have a few beers and objectify some men!

And eventually things will catch on.  Companies will start making mud flaps for cars with silhouettes of big strong men instead of the usual chic with the big boobs.

  I mean, we spend a lot of money, ladies... We gotta start putting that money to good use!  How long has The Price Is Right been on the air?  Like 100 years!  And they are JUST NOW getting a male model to showcase the prizes!  Women have been watching that show forever!!

  My friends and I tried doing our part in college... When guys would yell "show us your tits!"  We would yell back, "show us your dicks!"  That would usually shut them up.  I have a feeling most guys are just as insecure about whipping their shlongs out as most women are about taking their shirts off ...if not more.  We even kept a stack of PlayGirls on our coffee table, just to make a point...and for some light reading after dinner.
  And one time at a frat party there were a few girls dancing on a table with their tops off and a guy was dancing with them wearing nothing but a pair of boxers.  My friend, Nichole, decided this was completely unfair so she got a handful of his shorts and pulled them down.  My friends and I thought it was hilarious but he clearly did not.  He quickly covered himself with his hands before pulling his shorts back up and probably curled into a fetal position in a corner somewhere after that.  I don't remember getting a good look at him but not long after that Nichole told us she was gay so obviously whatever he had didn't make an impression on her.
  But just remember ladies, every little bit helps.  It's time we stood up for ourselves and demanded what we want!  We have eyes, we have blood pumping through our veins, and we have needs just like the next MAN!  It's time we embrace this and start taking what's ours!!

Men, you better start workin on your abs and your dance moves cause change is comin'!!

Enough said.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Stick removal

There's nothing more annoying than a snooty bitch.  You know the kind I'm talking about... The ones that act like their shit don't stank.  (Yes...stank.  You never say "stink" in that situation). You know, the ones that look you up and down and curl up their lip when they realize you didn't spend the past two hours in the bathroom trying to pretty yourself up just to impress them.
  First let me get this straight... I have no problem with women who like to look nice.  Even I (a self proclaimed Tom boy) can admit dressing up is fun.  I have a problem with these snooty bitches who like to judge you because you aren't like them.  It must be exhausting and painful walking around with that giant stick up their asses all the time.  Not to mention BORING!  I mean about 90% of my fun comes from making fun of myself, laughing at farts and thinking of different ways to get people to say cock.  What would I laugh at if I didn't have those things?
  Oh God, that would suck!  I'm suddenly having a change of heart... Those poor women.  They probably wouldn't EVER read my blog (I mean let's be honest... my blog is way too cool) but if you're out there ladies there's still time!  I promise things are so much better over here on the dark side.  ReDICKulously, actually.  (ha ha did you see that?  I wrote dick...)  You wouldn't have to pretend your shit don't stank... Instead you could talk about it!  In detail if you want!  Man you have no idea what your missing!!
  You think I could open a shelter for those poor lost souls?  I could teach them how to take a joke, force them to embarrass themselves in public without crying and slowly but carefully help them remove those rods from their bungholes.  (Ha ha God I'm hilarious!!)
 On second thought... Never mind.  I would probably end up punching one of them when they rolled their eyes at one of my jokes.  When I make a joke, you laugh dammit.  Eye rolling earns you a punch in the face or maybe even in the boob...boob punches hurt.  I'm funny and if you don't think so, you're a douchebag.  Plain and simple.  And besides... Pulling sticks out of asses sounds pretty gross... Even for me.
Anyway... Just sayin' someone needs to help them girls before its too late.  

Friday, October 19, 2012

Immaturity is underrated

Yea I'm immature.  I can admit that.
I admit I purposely avoided yard work until my husband got home just so I could ask him, "Babe, will you help me trim my bush?"  I mean how often do you get to say things like that with a straight face?
I also admit I had to hide my face when I found out my neighbor's last name is Babcock.  I wish my name had cock in it.  I would smile every time I heard it.
It doesn't take much to make me happy.  I mean every time someone goes running toward the door and yells, "I'm coming!!"  It takes all of my willpower not to tell yell, "Wait for me you selfish bastard!!"
  And don't even get me started on the shake weight... I still pray gyms will start keeping them in their weight room so I can watch people use them as I lay on the floor rolling in delight.  Who ever invented that fine piece of machinery deserves a freakin' medal.
  Ok so maybe I'm not just immature... I'm a dirty little hussy too.
This explains why my "family treasure" makes so much sense.  Apparently, I come from a long line of people who enjoy porn.  They enjoyed porn so much that they felt the need to pass it on to their kids.
  And man!  Do I LOVE the word douchebag... I use it every chance I get!  Douches are hilarious!  So are dildos but I tried calling someone a dildo once... Wasn't as funny.

Just sayin' if you do or say anything that implies sex or a private part I'm gunna laugh and you can't do shit about it.  Douchebag!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


Ok so, I've come to terms with the fact that having tattoos (not that I have very many) tends to come with people making assumptions about you.  The first of course being that I'm badass.  Yea, you can assume that.  But there's also another assumption that I find rather amusing, and that is the assumption that you can tell me just about anything and I won't judge you, which is mostly right but also gets me in some pretty interesting conversations.  Especially with older people.
  So today I took my son to the doctor... At least that's what I assume he was since he was wearing a white lab coat.  After checking Shaun's heartbeat, eyes and ears this guy leans back in his chair and looks at the tattoo on my arm.  I'm wearing a short sleeved shirt so you can only see the bottom half of it.  He asks me to see the rest and since I get this question a lot I didn't hesitate and lifted my sleeve to show him the top of my tat.  And after that it was like the flood gates opened up and this guy just dove right in head first.
  First he says, "Now that is some seriously nice ink you got there."
Then he looks at Shaun who is sitting in my lap wearing nothing but his diaper and a serious "back the fuck up" look.  Shaun doesn't really like guys... What can I say?  He's a ladies man.  Shaun has a death grip on the collar of my shirt and I look down and pry my his little fingers from around it and the doc says, "yeah you gotta be careful or he might show me what you got going' on under there." huh?  I look at him and he's laughing but he's not done.  "One time this kid yanked his Mom's bra and shirt down in front of me showing everything and I was like whoa.". I give him a small grin thinking, sorry dude but Shaun doesn't like you... He's not gunna flash you my boobs.  Then the old doc proceeds to tell me that the woman who flashed him had like 4 kids and one was conceived when her youngest was only 11 months old.  I guess he was hinting at the fact that this woman should have waited a little longer before procreating.  And as if that werent enough he tells me how he has a niece who has 3 kids from 3 different fathers and how he suggested to his sister they they super glue his nieces knees together so she stops poppin out babies.  Uh ... Oh Kay...
  This conversation has quickly gotten out of hand.  He must have realized he was having diarrhea of the mouth cause then he looks at Shaun who is still giving him an "eat shit" look and tells him he plans on going to the store after work to get some steaks and a whole lotta adult beverages cause his day has been crap.  Shaun looks at him like, "dude I don't care" and the old guys laughs.
   As I stood up to leave Shaun grabs for my collar again and the Doc says, "uh oh watch out!  He's going' for them again.".  Maybe this old dude should keeps his eyes off my melons and put his brain back in his head.  Wtf?  The doc turns to leave and I start getting Shaun dressed as he scowls at the back of his old head.  I think that guy was about 10 seconds away from getting an ass whoopin' by a 1 year old.  His Papa would have been proud.
Just sayin'... Just cause I have tattoos doesn't mean you get a free pass to act like a douche.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Dear husband...

  I think my husband leaves his beer cans on the counter (right next to the trash) and his dirty clothes on the floor (right next to the hamper) because he is trying to maintain control.  He knows I run this house... Yea I said it.  I'm the CO (commanding officer for you civilians). My husband may run things when he's at work but when he comes home he's in MY domain and he knows it.  So I think leaving his crap all over the place (which he knows pisses me off) is his way of rebelling... Showing me he isn't scared of me and my rules.  At first I fell into this trap.  I'd curse him under my breath, complain about how lazy he was and wonder why he couldn't just reach his damn arm 2 feet to the left to put his freakin' beer cans in the damn trash can!!!  UUGGHH!!...Deep breath...but it's ok.   I'm on to his game.
  Men like to pretend they're stupid when the truth is they're just lazy.  "babe if you want help just ask me, I don't know what you want me to do unless you ask me." he says as I'm standing there with a baby on my hip, keys hanging from my mouth and both hands full of groceries.  Really? Really!?  An ape could look at me and know what to do.  But the thing is if he pretends to be stupid and clueless and admits that I'm smarter than him he thinks that buys him a free pass.  "You're so much better at folding clothes, babe.  I suck at it.". Now that comment was just an insult to my intelligence.  I'm not a man, you can't just stroke my ego and get me to do whatever you want.  Women are way more complicated than that.
   The thing is, he knows I don't like my house being a mess which means he also knows I won't let his clothes pile up and I won't leave the beer cans sitting on the counter.  But that doesn't mean I will forget... I remember ALL of it every can, ever wet towel on the bed, every pair of underwear left on the bathroom floor and it will all come back to bite him in the ass.  Mark my words.
Bwahahahaha!!  (evil laugh).

Monday, October 8, 2012

Family Treasure

Before I begin this blog I feel I should preface it with a little description of my Mother.  For those of you who are not lucky enough to know her, she is probably one of the funniest women in the world.  About 75% of her humor comes from the fact that she isn't even aware what she's saying is funny.

   So, on my son's 1st birthday we had a small party at our house .  My parents were there and so was my sister, Kristine.  I was standing in the kitchen cutting some veggies and my Dad was behind me.  I don't remember what we were talking about but apparently it wasn't exciting enough.  My Mom approaches my Dad and this is what I hear, "John I think it's time we show Matt and Elaine the family treasure.  They're old enough now.". My dad starts to chuckle and my eyes widen before I slowly turn to look at my parents.
"Dad, please whatever you do... Don't pull your pants down right now." my Dad's chuckle quickly turns into a full on laugh as my Mom continues to tell him to show us the "family treasure". She obviously didn't get my joke.  Now there's a sense on urgency in my mom's voice.  "Hurry!  We need to show them before everyone else gets here.  We can show them in the garage.  Elaine go tell Matt to hurry up we need to show you guys the family treasure!".
  I set my knife down and made my way to the bathroom where Matt was about to shower.  I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to tell him... That my parents wanted to show us the family treasure in the garage?  Luckily for me, my husband has had enough time to get used to my family.  He promised to be out in 10 minutes to join us in the garage.
  By this time I've had a chance to think about this.  Maybe my parents are sitting on a few bars of gold and have been waiting to tell us we are secretly millionaires!  Maybe they wanted to wait until we were old enough to really appreciate it, maybe they have diamonds!  So now I'm getting excited and curious.
  We're standing in my garage... Me, my parents, Matt and Kristine.  My Dad begins to explain that my Japanese Grandfather gave him something one night while drinking and he pulls out an old scroll.  My eyes widen... Oohhh...a family heirloom!  A Japanese family heirloom!  How cool!  My Dad proceeds to unroll the scroll and that's when I see it.  Porn.  Yes, my family heirloom is old, Japanese porn.
  Now I'm standing there looking at the scroll as my Mom begins to point out all the detail.  She explains how it was hand painted and very artistic...and all I see is bush.  A lot of bush.  I'm suddenly hyper aware of the fact that I'm standing next to my Dad and there is a scroll of porn laid out in front of us.  I quickly turn around and chant to myself, "You're  30.  You're 30.  You're 30!".
  When I turn back around Matt is on his phone looking up Antique Asian Erotic Scrolls and my sister is lighting up a cigarette.  I don't blame her.
  I look at my sister and we smile at each other and I know in that moment we are thinking the same thing and she's about to say it...
"this explains so much."
Finally our world begins to make sense.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Mommy of the Year!

  Sometimes I wonder if my family knows how lucky they are to have me.  I know what you're thinking...  God Elaine, you're amazing!  How could they not know!?  Yea yea I know.
  But I'm not talking about the mushy, "oh I love you so much!  I'm so lucky to have you in my life." crap.  What I mean is they're lucky I haven't run away or worse... Killed them.  Well actually the only one who has to worry about being murdered is my husband... And that's only when he's asleep.  My kids are too cute, their chubby cheeks and big eyes are their saving grace.  I have a hard time even yelling at them without squeezing their faces and squealing, "God!!  You're so freakin' cute I wanna eat your cheeks!!".
  I wonder if they'll have complexes when they grow up.  Probably.
  So anyway... In my defense... I'm not some psycho who fantasizes about killing her husband in his sleep.  It's actually his fault I feel this way.  I mean what does he expect after 9 years of laying next to someone who snores so loud the walls shake!?  He snores so loud he's actually woken himself up!  He snores so loud that I actually wake up scared when he stops!  One time I smothered him with my pillow just to shut him up.  He's lucky he woke up.  I also tried pinching his nose shut but the jerk snores even louder through his mouth!  Uuggggh!  I've tried yelling, "babe wake up!!  Roll over!". But he just looks at me like I'm an annoying bitch and then turns his head.  I said ROLL OVER not turn your fucking head!!  ... Now you see why I want to kill him in his sleep.  Love you babe.  ;)
  As for my kids... They just better be careful or one day Mommy may snap.  My daughter can't even poop with the light on because apparently she doesn't even want to see herself while she's doing' the deed.  But let me go in the bathroom and she sees it as her opportunity to ambush me with questions. I have to tell her if I'm pooping or peeing and then listen to her tell me about her favorite cartoon or color or whatever else she feels I should know before I finish.
  And sometimes if I call on my ninja blood and successfully sneak past the kids and get in the bathroom alone my crazy ass dog, Nearco, rams his head into the bathroom door pushing it open and looks at me like he's gunna kick my ass.  He doesn't like closed doors in his house.  After he stares me down for a few seconds he slowly turns back around and walks out.  Wtf?
  And then there's my other dog, Saki.  I swear she waits til my arms are full and I'm rushing around the house to mess with me.  I bet she looks at Nearco and says " watch this." before getting right in front of me and stopping causing me to trip and stub my toe on the coffee table.  My dogs probably know more cuss words than most of you.  I love them to death but I know if I didn't feed them and walk them they would have suffocated me in my sleep.  Actually I think Saki has tried it before... Her farts could suffocate a bear.  Fo real.
  I won't even get started on Shaun... He's only 1 and I have a feeling by the time he's 3 he'll be able to kick my ass so I don't want to say anything that might piss him off.  Why do you think I've been working out so much?
So anyway... Just sayin'... My family better watch their back.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Random thoughts

Why was crack invented when we have chocolate?  Don't we have enough problems?  I bet those weird people who don't like chocolate invented crack.  I knew there was something wrong with them.  Why do people say "crack kills" when they see your butt crack hanging out of your jeans.  No it doesn't.  It may hurt to look at it and in some instances you may throw up a little in your mouth but it doesn't kill.  That's a little harsh.  I mean butt cracks are ugly but it's not their fault, they were made that way.  That's no reason to accuse them of murder.
  And why do people smile at me and try to spark up conversation in line for the toilet?  Don't they know I'm trying to concentrate?
Oh here's a good one... Why are Mosquitos still around?  We managed to try and kill off all the other species but for some reason bugs are thriving.  Wtf?  We can't even get mass distruction right people!
And why the hell didn't the inventor of the iPad put arrows on the key pad so I can go back and fix misspelled words!?  I sat here tapping my finger on the screen for the past five minutes!  I almost broke my nail!
  Why can't people spell anymore?  Did they stop teaching spelling at school?  Or did they teach you to spell "you" with a "u"?  Damn we're lazy.  I mean we aren't even forced to hold pencils anymore we just push buttons and we can't even push more than one unless totally necessary?
I'm lazy.  Yesterday I prayed God would make 7-eleven see that it needed a drive through.  I wonder if he heard me.
  Why haven't we found a drug that makes kids sleep...something legal.  I'm tellin you if your holdin out on me I will hunt you down, steal all your magic drugs and beat you up.  I'm half Japanese, which means I automatically know karate and have ninja blood.
  Why are Japanese people so freakin cool!?  I mean really, I think their water is better or something.  They're healthier, smarter, and they dressed their prostitutes up in kimonos and white paint.  You had to actually train to be a geisha!  Maybe our politicians would be more helpful if our prostitutes trained and dressed in kimonos.
Just sayin'.... I don't know what I'm saying.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Tattooed granny

To all my fellow tattooed punks... Have you ever had someone say "you're gunna regret those tattoos when your old and wrinkled." to you as they cross their arms and look your tattoos up and down in disgust?
  Where do they get this theory exactly?  Is there something I'm missing?  Since when did being a tattooed granny/grandad become undesirable?  The way I see it, by the time I'm 70 or 80 I'll want to be covered in tats to scare off all the hooligans trying to jack me in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  I mean old people tend to be easy targets...  I think when I'm about 65 I'll get a tat across my chest that says, " I pushed two babies out of my vagina with no drugs...I'm crazy.". That otta keep 'em away.  But just in case I'll also keep a gun strapped on my hip... Something cute to compliment my moo moo.  Yes, I definitely plan on wearing moo moo's when I'm 65.  Sorry babe.
I'm just sayin' if your gunna hate on tattoos at least come up with a better reason, cause that one sucks.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

What's that smell?

Hello.  My name is E and I fart.  Whew.  Glad I got that out of the way.  I wish I had done that 20 years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of stress and stomach cramps, that's for sure.  We all fart people, it's a fact of life.  Yes, a smelly fact but still a fact.
  Do you know how many times I had to cover up an accidental "put-put" in public?  You name it, I've done it.  You casually look around to see if anyone is making the stink face, praying everyone around you has a cold or was born with a horrible sense of smell so they don't figure you out.  And just when you think it's safe and the gas Gods got your back you realize your surrounded by your own thick cloud of fart.  I mean if it smells that bad to you it's got to be about 10times worse for everyone else.  And then you spring into action, quickly scrunch up your face and cover your nose with one hand while fanning around you with the other.  If you can't pretend it didn't happen just overreact and act completely offended that some disgusting person just had the audacity to fart IN PUBLIC!!  How gross!!
  Just for a second imagine if we lived in a world where farting was cool, even funny.  Oh wait!  Never mind just imagine your a dude!  Why is it that guys can act completely gross and obnoxious and it's somehow funny but let a girl pass a little wind and she's a dirty hoochie with no morals.  Wtf?  I mean I was in yoga the other day and this old guy just let's one loose in the middle of a pose and besides a few giggles nothing was said.  I have a feeling if I had been the one releasing toxins into the air every girl in that room would still be avoiding me.  I mean come on people lets be realistic here, girls have buttholes just like guys do and.... Yes I'm going to say it... Stuff comes out of them!  Stinky, smelly, ungirly-like stuff.  So just get over it.
We need a movement... Women we must unite.  Let's fight against this fart oppressing society and start a revolution!  Because lets face it, this clenching your butt cheeks together til your blue in the face shit gets old.  And honestly, I think all those times in school when I pretended to be beat boxing to play off the noise I just released from my ass, was just a waste of time.  I mean who randomly starts beat boxing in the middle of algebra anyway?  I can't even rap.
  We could call our new movement PFFF.  People For Farting Freedom.  Get it PFFF?  It's like a fart noise... Get it?  Whatever.
Anyway... Just sayin'.
  The next time you let one lose in public don't try to play it off or blame the poor schmuck sitting next to you. Just widen your eyes, drop your jaw, gasp and say, "Did you hear what that asshole just said!?"

Friday, September 28, 2012


What's up with all these pansies?  Are there women out there who are seriously turned on by skinny jeans and swooping bangs?  (I'm talking about straight women here). How can anyone over the age of 12 look at Justin Bieber and think, "now he is hot." I mean seriously?  If you were my boyfriend, Justin I would punch you in the throat for thinking you're a stud when half the girls who like you could probably bench press more than you can.  I mean for real.  What does he weigh like 80lbs?  No offense to the skinny guys out there... Some skinny guys are strong but I just can't figure out what people think is so hot about this kid.  I mean damn, my voice is even deeper than his.  My 4year old daughter could kick his ass.  
  And what's up with all these metrosexual dudes?  Am I just old fashioned or what?  If a guy takes longer to do his hair than I do he deserves to get punched in the nuts.  What happened to tough, strong, dirty, sweaty men?  If I can't touch your hair cause it's styled and you smell better than I do than why don't I just say "fuck it" and become a lesbian?  They'd probably be better in bed than your pansie ass anyway.  (sorry Mom and Dad if your reading this). 
  Just so you know, this is all hypothetical since I'm married to a MAN who ,despite my best efforts , can still throw me over his shoulder and tickle me til I squeal like a little girl.  I'm just sayin'. 
Guys put down the hair gel and go find your balls.  PAHLEASE!!  

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Coffee, oh how I love you!

   Have you ever woken up with a 4 year old standing 2 feet in front of you staring at your face?  Isn't it weird?  Sometimes I wonder if she has been up for hours sipping coffee and watching cartoons before she decided to come into my room and try to burn holes through my eyeballs with her stare.  Does she think since she doesn't say anything it doesn't count as waking Mommy up?  We have a strict rule in this house... Well I have a strict rule which no one around here seems to want to follow.  NO WAKING MOMMY UP!  Hello?  It's it that hard?  I mean surely my kids can find a way to entertain themselves for a few hours without needing my assistance.
  Everyone who knows me also knows I'm like an grizzly waking up from hibernation when I don't get enough sleep.  Get the hell out of my way and give me some damn coffee.  Which brings me to my second rule that no one likes to follow... No talking to mommy until she's had her coffee.
  I'm not sure when I became so dependent on coffee.  I used to be one of those people who just drank coffee to feel old and important.  Oh yea I remember... it all started the day after I decided to push out another 8lb baby and give up on the idea of ever getting another full night of uninterrupted sleep.  Duh... How could I forget that?
  Now every morning I stand in front of the coffee maker with one eye open cursing it under my breath.  'Come on you damn coffee maker can't you move any faster!?'.
  Don't judge me.  I know I could set the coffee maker the night before but after my kids go to bed I like to pretend I'm 21 again and drink beer.  Planning ahead would definitely ruin the fantasy.  And besides my coffee maker and I have a love/hate relationship.  I cuss at it and tell it it's useless and once it's done making my coffee I apologize and tell it how much I love it and how it's my most favorite appliance in the kitchen.  Careful to whisper so the microwave doesn't hear.  My microwave has a temper.
Anyway... Just sayin'. I like my coffee and my sleep.  But if I had to get rid of one I would most certainly take the sleep but since sleep decided to ditch me for someone younger who doesn't deserve it I've been forced to settle for coffee.  Don't tell the coffee maker I said that.  He's still upset about this morning.