Monday, August 24, 2009


I hate babysitting. I don't often share this about myself because I don't want to come off mean or uncaring... but I really do hate it.
My sisters are 9 years older than me so there were many instances in my childhood where I was volunteered to babysit for their friends. And the kids I watched were always brats who never listened to me or they ended up throwing up or climbing trees and falling... something bad always seemed to happen.
My Mom used to volunteer me to babysit also. I specifically remember her volunteering me to babysit a neighbor's kid one night. He was about 2 1/2 or 3 years old and his parents left him grapes to eat as a snack. I sat him on the kitchen counter to eat the grapes and he started choking on one! Thank God after I hit his back a couple times he swallowed it but then he started crying and I was so frazzled I swore never to feed a kid grapes again and made sure to learn the Heimlich maneuver!
So after years of being scared by traumatizing babysitting experiences I now hate it! Yes, even now after I have a daughter and I'm more comfortable around babies I still have no desire to take care of another person's child. And I actually feel guilty about it. I understand there are mothers out there who could use the help... I'm one of them! LOL I guess that's why I never ask people to watch Cynthia. Because if I did I would automatically be indebted to them and have to babysit their kid. Don't get me wrong... this doesn't mean I hate kids. I have no problem with them as long as someone else is taking care of them.
But when someone asks you to watch their child or babysit how do you say no unless you already have plans or just cannot do it? How do you say "No, I'd rather not" without sounding completely bitchy (pardon my "French")?? That is one thing I'm still trying to figure out. And does this give me bad karma?? Will I really need a babysitter one day and not be able to find one because I refuse to babysit for other people? It seems kind of fair to me actually... I'll just have to make sure and register Cynthia with a daycare every time I move or have family close by. Oh and that's one exception... I have no problem watching my niece and nephews. I never have... what's up with that? It must be because they are family and I have more of an emotional connection with them. I've never really been a kid/baby person anyway. I've never been one to ask to hold babies or even have much patience when it comes to kids. I guess it's just not my thing.
I hope my friends don't read this and think I'm secretly repulsed by their babies or something because that's not the case. Motherhood has definitely given me a new found appreciation for a baby's smile and innocence.... just don't ask me to babysit!


Forgive: 1:To give up resentment 2: pardon; absolve 3: to grant relief from payment of

In my life I've found that forgiveness can be one of the hardest and most rewarding things you can ever do. When someone hurts you it is hard to turn around and show them kindness by forgiving them. But the more I've thought about it and experienced it myself I realize that forgiveness is more of a gift you give yourself. You can let go of that resentment and move on with your life without harboring any hard feelings or anger. Often times the person you are mad at doesn't even know or care that you are mad so really the only person you are hurting is yourself.
I've also found that one of the toughest forms of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. Most of us are more judgemental and harder on ourselves that anyone else. And even the smallest mistake can be hard to forgive. Growing up I always had a self esteem problem. I used to say things like "I hate myself" and "I suck" and "I'm such a loser" and then I would wonder who or what caused all my pain when I was depressed or sad. The truth was although there may have been instances in my life that reinforced my low self esteem it was my inner thoughts and judgments that kept those feelings so close to me. It wasn't until I decided to forgive myself that I felt a sense of relief and happiness come over me. It was like I was finally letting go and allowing myself to be imperfect. I always felt a need to be perfect... the perfect friend or the perfect child or the perfect student and since I never was perfect I was always disappointed. It's so liberating now to know I'll never be perfect and just accept the person I am.
No matter who hurts you even if you hurt yourself it's important to forgive them so that you can move on. You don't even have to tell them you've forgiven them just be able to let go and understand that everything you live through makes you stronger and teaches you something. So take what you've learned and your new found strength and live a better and happier life.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


I was watching the news earlier today and they were covering a story about religion and how the fastest growing "denomination" right now is no denomination at all. People are choosing to have no affiliation with a church and are either finding a personal path to spirituality or none at all. And in order to change things or get a larger congregation churches are now spending money on commercials and iTunes gift cards to lure people into church.
I may be missing the whole point but this seems so wrong to me on so many levels. First of all... aren't there other ways you could use that money to pass on your message? Instead of using thousands... or MILLIONS (yes, I said millions) of dollars on advertising for your church why don't you take that money and build a school or a playground or a food bank or provide food or medicine or counseling to the community?? I mean isn't that a more effective way to "advertise"? Isn't that a better way to demonstrate what your church is about? Isn't that a better way to encourage people to join your congregation??
Honestly, I think this is just a prime example of why churches are losing members... they have lost their focus. If people see you care and you're making a positive impact on the world around you and you PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH then they would be inspired and want to help make a change in the world... in turn joining your congregation.
Personally I choose not to follow an organized religion. Although, I have nothing against people who do and I can see the benifits of doing so. But for me I've always felt more comfortable exploring my spirituality on my own and having my own personal relationship with God. I think we're coming to a time where people need to step back and look at their intentions. They need to stop talking about what people SHOULD do and instead do it. They need to stop judging and start loving others.
I always found it so baffling how for so long people have been fighting, killing, and hating for something that they can never prove. How can so much evil or ugliness be created by people who say they love God? I feel everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe but they definitely don't have the right to say... if you don't believe it too you deserve to die or you are going to hell. How do people say that so matter-of-factly!?? Like they are God, like they know what will happen to your soul after you die!? Maybe you are going to hell just for saying that.
Ok ok... I know I'm getting too deep here and I don't have all night to type. I just want everyone to ponder this and maybe take a step back and think twice about what you've been told or what you've been doing.
No matter what you believe you are still human just like the rest of us. And just like you were brought into this world you will one day return from where you came and maybe even have the chance to look back at what you did while you were here. And I hope you can look back and be proud of what you did and how you touched the people around you. To me, that is how you measure your closeness to God... to me, God IS love... unconditional love and the closer you get to that the closer you are to him/her.
Ok now I will step off of my soap box. Thanks for listening. :)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

military brats

Growing up as a military brat I remember wishing I could stay where I was forever. If I had made good friends or liked our house I would get so upset when it was time to move again. There's nothing like walking into a new school where you don't know anyone and everyone else grew up together. You're scared and nervous and wonder if you'll ever make friends like you did the last time. I remember when I was in high school I swore I'd never marry someone in the military because I had been around them my entire life and I was ready for a change. But now that I'm married to a sailor and he's decided to make a career out of it I realize this is the life I know. I can't imagine staying in one place for more than 4 or 5 years. After about 3 I start to get antsy and feel like it's time to go.
It's crazy for me to imagine that some people live in the same place their parents grew up and their parent's parents and so on. Although that's the life I always envied now I realize I was pretty lucky to grow up the way I did. I would never have met the people I now call my closest friends and I wouldn't be the person I am today. This life style has helped me be independent and adventerous and has definitely allowed me to overcome some hard situations. Leaving good friends and places I call home have never been easy but meeting new people and making a new home for myself is an amazing experience.
Now that I have Cynthia I wonder if she will have the same feelings I do. I kind of like the fact that I will be able to relate to her in that way. I can take her on her first day to her new school and see her standing there nervous and scared and tell her "I know exactly how you feel because I've been there." and I can also tell her that it'll all be ok and be worth it in the end. And it comforts me to know that it may help her become a strong, independent person who knows who she is even if she doesn't know where she's going next.
We military brats are a special breed. We can't ever answer the question "Where are you from?" in one word or even one sentence but there's not much else we can't do. :)

Saturday, August 8, 2009

my iPod

I lost my iPod over a week ago and I still can't find it! I think someone may have stolen it from the gym. It sucks!! I never realized how much music helped me on my runs and during my workouts. I WANT MY iPod BACK!!!! :( And if someone did steal it I hope it doesn't work for them!!! JERK!


Starting a life with you
Has been a dream come true.
You've turned my world around
Giving me a different view.
Suddenly things are bright
Everything sparkles and shines.
Just because you're with me
And I can call you mine.
Your deep blue eyes and your perfect lips
Are visions I have when we can't kiss.
I imagine your heart beating next to mine
While our spirits and souls slowly combine.
I feel my heart growing in size
Every night and in the morning when I rise.
One step closer to the day you return
And until that day, this fire will burn.
My love for you, I can't describe
The only one's who know
Are the one's inside.
You and I, You and I
Always and Forever
Together we fly
This is another poem I wrote for Matt when he was on his 6 month deployment. I thought it might apply to my friends waiting for their husbands to get home. :)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

don't worry, be happy!

If I only knew then what I know now... I guess that will apply to our lives until the day we die. But hopefully as we get older we'll gain a little more insight and realize that it's not worth it holding onto grudges or getting mad over the little things we can't control. Of course we'll have our ups and downs in life. Every thing can't be perfect all the time. If they were we would never appreciate the blessings we recieve every day. But you do have the choice to make the best of every situation and try to find a way to stay happy no matter what. This is your life and you are the only one who will live it. So when you are negative or decide to be a victim or wallow in your own misery the only one suffering is you. And why would you want to make matters even worse for yourself???
I've decided that from now on when I feel myself having a negative attitude or feeling down I will stop myself and make a choice to look at things differently. It's not always easy but it's SO worth it!