Sunday, September 30, 2012

What's that smell?

Hello.  My name is E and I fart.  Whew.  Glad I got that out of the way.  I wish I had done that 20 years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of stress and stomach cramps, that's for sure.  We all fart people, it's a fact of life.  Yes, a smelly fact but still a fact.
  Do you know how many times I had to cover up an accidental "put-put" in public?  You name it, I've done it.  You casually look around to see if anyone is making the stink face, praying everyone around you has a cold or was born with a horrible sense of smell so they don't figure you out.  And just when you think it's safe and the gas Gods got your back you realize your surrounded by your own thick cloud of fart.  I mean if it smells that bad to you it's got to be about 10times worse for everyone else.  And then you spring into action, quickly scrunch up your face and cover your nose with one hand while fanning around you with the other.  If you can't pretend it didn't happen just overreact and act completely offended that some disgusting person just had the audacity to fart IN PUBLIC!!  How gross!!
  Just for a second imagine if we lived in a world where farting was cool, even funny.  Oh wait!  Never mind just imagine your a dude!  Why is it that guys can act completely gross and obnoxious and it's somehow funny but let a girl pass a little wind and she's a dirty hoochie with no morals.  Wtf?  I mean I was in yoga the other day and this old guy just let's one loose in the middle of a pose and besides a few giggles nothing was said.  I have a feeling if I had been the one releasing toxins into the air every girl in that room would still be avoiding me.  I mean come on people lets be realistic here, girls have buttholes just like guys do and.... Yes I'm going to say it... Stuff comes out of them!  Stinky, smelly, ungirly-like stuff.  So just get over it.
We need a movement... Women we must unite.  Let's fight against this fart oppressing society and start a revolution!  Because lets face it, this clenching your butt cheeks together til your blue in the face shit gets old.  And honestly, I think all those times in school when I pretended to be beat boxing to play off the noise I just released from my ass, was just a waste of time.  I mean who randomly starts beat boxing in the middle of algebra anyway?  I can't even rap.
  We could call our new movement PFFF.  People For Farting Freedom.  Get it PFFF?  It's like a fart noise... Get it?  Whatever.
Anyway... Just sayin'.
  The next time you let one lose in public don't try to play it off or blame the poor schmuck sitting next to you. Just widen your eyes, drop your jaw, gasp and say, "Did you hear what that asshole just said!?"


  1. PFFF !!! PFFF !!! I'm SO there for you !!! LMAO !! HAHA lmao

  2. U r so funny Elaine. I absolutely look forward to your blogs. They always make me laugh. You have such an amazing talent. A lot of people have told me that you should put the one about coffee in a parenthood magazine. Just sayin' cindy