What's cooler than bein' cool?

    I'm not cool.  I'm a dork.  And I'm ok with that.  I think I realized it back when I was in high school, when I saw what it took to be cool.  It's too much damn work if you ask me.  You have to make sure you're wearing the latest trends, never getting caught doing something "uncool" all the while making fun of everyone who doesn't try.

Pfft.  If you ask me, being cool is lame.  I'd much rather be warm. warm and cozy.  Those cool people must be exhausted.  What with all the pretending and being terrified of getting caught with their fly down or falling in front of a crowd.  Not to mention having to keep up with the ever changing coolness in the world.  I mean at one time calling someone "phat" was a compliment... do people even use "Phat" anymore?  Or is that totally uncool now?  Do people even use the word "cool" anymore?  For all I know I could be becoming more uncool by the second.

  And then there's the people who try to be cool even though they know damn well they aren't.  Poor bastards.  You know the ones... they come in wearing the name brand clothes, their hair done in the latest "edgy" style and every other word that comes out of their mouth is slang.  "Yo homie.  What's crackalackin'?  We gunna get twisted tonight or what dawg?  YOLO son.YOLO.  Deuces."
  What in the... You need a freakin' douchebag dictionary to keep up with those dumbasses. I mean why can't people just be real?  Who cares what other people think?  For real.
 
AND THEN... there's the people who try to test how cool you are like they feel threatened that you might be cooler than them or something. I walked into the gas station the other day and I was attacked by one! And I was so freakin' tired I didn't even realize I fell right into his trap!  Dammit!  I was wearing my WuTang Clan t-shirt... That shirt is the shit by the way... I buy a red bull and some apple juice for my kids and the guy behind the counter... Yes, he worked at the gas station... says "Wu Tang?  What you know about Wu Tang?  Name the members."  Now what I should have said was "Kiss my ass, douchebag and ring up my red bull."  But I'm competitive and this dude was questioning my Wu Tang knowledge so instead I started naming some, "Method Man, Reakwon, RZA,GZA, Ghostface Killa', ODB, Inspectah Deck..."  Then I paused... I always forget U-God and Masta Killa for some reason.  And the guys says. "Redman.  Yea I saw them at Lallapalooza."  That's when I realized what a douche this guy was.  First of all, Redman wasn't part of The Wu Tang Clan and he knows damn well he wasn't at Lallapalooza to see Wu Tang.  I refused to say anymore. I grabbed my red bull and got the hell outta there before his douchebagginess rubbed off.  I mean how are you going to try and quiz someone on their coolness when you aren't even on their level?  I mean he wasn't!  He wasn't even on MY level of coolness and that's saying a lot since I'm so not cool.

Anyway... All I'm sayin is stop tryin so damn hard.  And from now on people should be required to walk around with these on so we can have some kind of warning before we're standing in a gas station somewhere naming the members of Wu Tang.

Ignore the minty fresh gum part.

 

Education...Miami style

Things I learned while on vacation in Miami:

Don't assume a guy is gay just because he acts like he is...

Competing with your sisters on who can get more people to say "dick" or "cock" is hilarious!  Just be careful who you ask... There are some creepy guys out there.

Don't try to take a picture with a DJ when you are drunk... There are a whole lotta wires back there!

When I'm drunk the word "mango" instantly becomes "melon".

Don't dance with drunk sailors from Rio.

Don't ask your husband for permission to get a tattoo while drunk... They're less likely to agree to it.

No matter how mad Cindy is, if you wave at her she will ALWAYS wave back.

Golden Va Jay Jays can turn lights on just by mentioning them.

If you hear about a "chunky monkey contest" run in the other direction.

Bartenders from London will get you VERY drunk!

Women who drink alone aren't very good at playing pool... Especially if they start off looking in the table for the pool sticks.

Kristine is a hilarious drunk even with the crazy mood swings.

There are no male strip clubs in all of Miami!!  Wtf!?

"We'll play it by the wing" means we'll decide as we go in Cindy talk.

Kristine threatens to kill a lot of people when she's drunk.

Coffee and mimosas aren't the best breakfast after a night of drinking.

Hotel phones don't work we'll when they aren't plugged in.

When people you don't recognize ask you if you're going to dance again and know exactly what you were drinking the night before, it means you had a great night.

When you go to sleep with numb lips and toes it also means you had a great night.

And last... The most important thing I learned was... My sisters and I still got it and I have a feeling we always will.  ;)

Objectify Men.

Ok.  Time for a new movement...  It's time we women take our power back.  I mean lets keep it real, we hold all the power anyway.  It's time we put it to good use.
  First, I propose we start beauty pageants for men.  We'll call them hottie pageants or the eye candy parade.   We'll make them flex their muscles while they answer questions about cooking and how to properly worship a woman... All while shirtless of course.
  Second, we start cat calling.  When a hot guy walks into a room all the females start whistling and saying stuff like, "hey baby, nice ass!  Why don't you flex those big strong biceps for us.  Oh don't be shy hot stuff."  Wouldn't that be so much fun!!?
  Third, we start opening more male strip clubs.  Now in order to do this we have to actually go, otherwise they'll go bankrupt.  So I say when our men go to sleep and the kids are tucked nice and tight in their beds we go out, have a few beers and objectify some men!

And eventually things will catch on.  Companies will start making mud flaps for cars with silhouettes of big strong men instead of the usual chic with the big boobs.

  I mean, we spend a lot of money, ladies... We gotta start putting that money to good use!  How long has The Price Is Right been on the air?  Like 100 years!  And they are JUST NOW getting a male model to showcase the prizes!  Women have been watching that show forever!!

  My friends and I tried doing our part in college... When guys would yell "show us your tits!"  We would yell back, "show us your dicks!"  That would usually shut them up.  I have a feeling most guys are just as insecure about whipping their shlongs out as most women are about taking their shirts off ...if not more.  We even kept a stack of PlayGirls on our coffee table, just to make a point...and for some light reading after dinner.
  And one time at a frat party there were a few girls dancing on a table with their tops off and a guy was dancing with them wearing nothing but a pair of boxers.  My friend, Nichole, decided this was completely unfair so she got a handful of his shorts and pulled them down.  My friends and I thought it was hilarious but he clearly did not.  He quickly covered himself with his hands before pulling his shorts back up and probably curled into a fetal position in a corner somewhere after that.  I don't remember getting a good look at him but not long after that Nichole told us she was gay so obviously whatever he had didn't make an impression on her.
  But just remember ladies, every little bit helps.  It's time we stood up for ourselves and demanded what we want!  We have eyes, we have blood pumping through our veins, and we have needs just like the next MAN!  It's time we embrace this and start taking what's ours!!

Men, you better start workin on your abs and your dance moves cause change is comin'!!

Enough said.

Stick removal

There's nothing more annoying than a snooty bitch.  You know the kind I'm talking about... The ones that act like their shit don't stank.  (Yes...stank.  You never say "stink" in that situation). You know, the ones that look you up and down and curl up their lip when they realize you didn't spend the past two hours in the bathroom trying to pretty yourself up just to impress them.
  First let me get this straight... I have no problem with women who like to look nice.  Even I (a self proclaimed Tom boy) can admit dressing up is fun.  I have a problem with these snooty bitches who like to judge you because you aren't like them.  It must be exhausting and painful walking around with that giant stick up their asses all the time.  Not to mention BORING!  I mean about 90% of my fun comes from making fun of myself, laughing at farts and thinking of different ways to get people to say cock.  What would I laugh at if I didn't have those things?
  Oh God, that would suck!  I'm suddenly having a change of heart... Those poor women.  They probably wouldn't EVER read my blog (I mean let's be honest... my blog is way too cool) but if you're out there ladies there's still time!  I promise things are so much better over here on the dark side.  ReDICKulously, actually.  (ha ha did you see that?  I wrote dick...)  You wouldn't have to pretend your shit don't stank... Instead you could talk about it!  In detail if you want!  Man you have no idea what your missing!!
  You think I could open a shelter for those poor lost souls?  I could teach them how to take a joke, force them to embarrass themselves in public without crying and slowly but carefully help them remove those rods from their bungholes.  (Ha ha God I'm hilarious!!)
 On second thought... Never mind.  I would probably end up punching one of them when they rolled their eyes at one of my jokes.  When I make a joke, you laugh dammit.  Eye rolling earns you a punch in the face or maybe even in the boob...boob punches hurt.  I'm funny and if you don't think so, you're a douchebag.  Plain and simple.  And besides... Pulling sticks out of asses sounds pretty gross... Even for me.
Anyway... Just sayin' someone needs to help them girls before its too late.  

Immaturity is underrated

Yea I'm immature.  I can admit that.
I admit I purposely avoided yard work until my husband got home just so I could ask him, "Babe, will you help me trim my bush?"  I mean how often do you get to say things like that with a straight face?
I also admit I had to hide my face when I found out my neighbor's last name is Babcock.  I wish my name had cock in it.  I would smile every time I heard it.
It doesn't take much to make me happy.  I mean every time someone goes running toward the door and yells, "I'm coming!!"  It takes all of my willpower not to tell yell, "Wait for me you selfish bastard!!"
  And don't even get me started on the shake weight... I still pray gyms will start keeping them in their weight room so I can watch people use them as I lay on the floor rolling in delight.  Who ever invented that fine piece of machinery deserves a freakin' medal.
  Ok so maybe I'm not just immature... I'm a dirty little hussy too.
This explains why my "family treasure" makes so much sense.  Apparently, I come from a long line of people who enjoy porn.  They enjoyed porn so much that they felt the need to pass it on to their kids.
  And man!  Do I LOVE the word douchebag... I use it every chance I get!  Douches are hilarious!  So are dildos but I tried calling someone a dildo once... Wasn't as funny.

Just sayin' if you do or say anything that implies sex or a private part I'm gunna laugh and you can't do shit about it.  Douchebag!

Huh?

Ok so, I've come to terms with the fact that having tattoos (not that I have very many) tends to come with people making assumptions about you.  The first of course being that I'm badass.  Yea, you can assume that.  But there's also another assumption that I find rather amusing, and that is the assumption that you can tell me just about anything and I won't judge you, which is mostly right but also gets me in some pretty interesting conversations.  Especially with older people.
  So today I took my son to the doctor... At least that's what I assume he was since he was wearing a white lab coat.  After checking Shaun's heartbeat, eyes and ears this guy leans back in his chair and looks at the tattoo on my arm.  I'm wearing a short sleeved shirt so you can only see the bottom half of it.  He asks me to see the rest and since I get this question a lot I didn't hesitate and lifted my sleeve to show him the top of my tat.  And after that it was like the flood gates opened up and this guy just dove right in head first.
  First he says, "Now that is some seriously nice ink you got there."
"thanks"
Then he looks at Shaun who is sitting in my lap wearing nothing but his diaper and a serious "back the fuck up" look.  Shaun doesn't really like guys... What can I say?  He's a ladies man.  Shaun has a death grip on the collar of my shirt and I look down and pry my his little fingers from around it and the doc says, "yeah you gotta be careful or he might show me what you got going' on under there." huh?  I look at him and he's laughing but he's not done.  "One time this kid yanked his Mom's bra and shirt down in front of me showing everything and I was like whoa.". I give him a small grin thinking, sorry dude but Shaun doesn't like you... He's not gunna flash you my boobs.  Then the old doc proceeds to tell me that the woman who flashed him had like 4 kids and one was conceived when her youngest was only 11 months old.  I guess he was hinting at the fact that this woman should have waited a little longer before procreating.  And as if that werent enough he tells me how he has a niece who has 3 kids from 3 different fathers and how he suggested to his sister they they super glue his nieces knees together so she stops poppin out babies.  Uh ... Oh Kay...
  This conversation has quickly gotten out of hand.  He must have realized he was having diarrhea of the mouth cause then he looks at Shaun who is still giving him an "eat shit" look and tells him he plans on going to the store after work to get some steaks and a whole lotta adult beverages cause his day has been crap.  Shaun looks at him like, "dude I don't care" and the old guys laughs.
   As I stood up to leave Shaun grabs for my collar again and the Doc says, "uh oh watch out!  He's going' for them again.".  Maybe this old dude should keeps his eyes off my melons and put his brain back in his head.  Wtf?  The doc turns to leave and I start getting Shaun dressed as he scowls at the back of his old head.  I think that guy was about 10 seconds away from getting an ass whoopin' by a 1 year old.  His Papa would have been proud.
Just sayin'... Just cause I have tattoos doesn't mean you get a free pass to act like a douche.

Dear husband...

  I think my husband leaves his beer cans on the counter (right next to the trash) and his dirty clothes on the floor (right next to the hamper) because he is trying to maintain control.  He knows I run this house... Yea I said it.  I'm the CO (commanding officer for you civilians). My husband may run things when he's at work but when he comes home he's in MY domain and he knows it.  So I think leaving his crap all over the place (which he knows pisses me off) is his way of rebelling... Showing me he isn't scared of me and my rules.  At first I fell into this trap.  I'd curse him under my breath, complain about how lazy he was and wonder why he couldn't just reach his damn arm 2 feet to the left to put his freakin' beer cans in the damn trash can!!!  UUGGHH!!...Deep breath...but it's ok.   I'm on to his game.
  Men like to pretend they're stupid when the truth is they're just lazy.  "babe if you want help just ask me, I don't know what you want me to do unless you ask me." he says as I'm standing there with a baby on my hip, keys hanging from my mouth and both hands full of groceries.  Really? Really!?  An ape could look at me and know what to do.  But the thing is if he pretends to be stupid and clueless and admits that I'm smarter than him he thinks that buys him a free pass.  "You're so much better at folding clothes, babe.  I suck at it.". Now that comment was just an insult to my intelligence.  I'm not a man, you can't just stroke my ego and get me to do whatever you want.  Women are way more complicated than that.
   The thing is, he knows I don't like my house being a mess which means he also knows I won't let his clothes pile up and I won't leave the beer cans sitting on the counter.  But that doesn't mean I will forget... I remember ALL of it every can, ever wet towel on the bed, every pair of underwear left on the bathroom floor and it will all come back to bite him in the ass.  Mark my words.
Bwahahahaha!!  (evil laugh).