Mommy of the Year!

  Sometimes I wonder if my family knows how lucky they are to have me.  I know what you're thinking...  God Elaine, you're amazing!  How could they not know!?  Yea yea I know.
  But I'm not talking about the mushy, "oh I love you so much!  I'm so lucky to have you in my life." crap.  What I mean is they're lucky I haven't run away or worse... Killed them.  Well actually the only one who has to worry about being murdered is my husband... And that's only when he's asleep.  My kids are too cute, their chubby cheeks and big eyes are their saving grace.  I have a hard time even yelling at them without squeezing their faces and squealing, "God!!  You're so freakin' cute I wanna eat your cheeks!!".
  I wonder if they'll have complexes when they grow up.  Probably.
  So anyway... In my defense... I'm not some psycho who fantasizes about killing her husband in his sleep.  It's actually his fault I feel this way.  I mean what does he expect after 9 years of laying next to someone who snores so loud the walls shake!?  He snores so loud he's actually woken himself up!  He snores so loud that I actually wake up scared when he stops!  One time I smothered him with my pillow just to shut him up.  He's lucky he woke up.  I also tried pinching his nose shut but the jerk snores even louder through his mouth!  Uuggggh!  I've tried yelling, "babe wake up!!  Roll over!". But he just looks at me like I'm an annoying bitch and then turns his head.  I said ROLL OVER not turn your fucking head!!  ... Now you see why I want to kill him in his sleep.  Love you babe.  ;)
  As for my kids... They just better be careful or one day Mommy may snap.  My daughter can't even poop with the light on because apparently she doesn't even want to see herself while she's doing' the deed.  But let me go in the bathroom and she sees it as her opportunity to ambush me with questions. I have to tell her if I'm pooping or peeing and then listen to her tell me about her favorite cartoon or color or whatever else she feels I should know before I finish.
  And sometimes if I call on my ninja blood and successfully sneak past the kids and get in the bathroom alone my crazy ass dog, Nearco, rams his head into the bathroom door pushing it open and looks at me like he's gunna kick my ass.  He doesn't like closed doors in his house.  After he stares me down for a few seconds he slowly turns back around and walks out.  Wtf?
  And then there's my other dog, Saki.  I swear she waits til my arms are full and I'm rushing around the house to mess with me.  I bet she looks at Nearco and says " watch this." before getting right in front of me and stopping causing me to trip and stub my toe on the coffee table.  My dogs probably know more cuss words than most of you.  I love them to death but I know if I didn't feed them and walk them they would have suffocated me in my sleep.  Actually I think Saki has tried it before... Her farts could suffocate a bear.  Fo real.
  I won't even get started on Shaun... He's only 1 and I have a feeling by the time he's 3 he'll be able to kick my ass so I don't want to say anything that might piss him off.  Why do you think I've been working out so much?
So anyway... Just sayin'... My family better watch their back.

Random thoughts

Why was crack invented when we have chocolate?  Don't we have enough problems?  I bet those weird people who don't like chocolate invented crack.  I knew there was something wrong with them.  Why do people say "crack kills" when they see your butt crack hanging out of your jeans.  No it doesn't.  It may hurt to look at it and in some instances you may throw up a little in your mouth but it doesn't kill.  That's a little harsh.  I mean butt cracks are ugly but it's not their fault, they were made that way.  That's no reason to accuse them of murder.
  And why do people smile at me and try to spark up conversation in line for the toilet?  Don't they know I'm trying to concentrate?
Oh here's a good one... Why are Mosquitos still around?  We managed to try and kill off all the other species but for some reason bugs are thriving.  Wtf?  We can't even get mass distruction right people!
And why the hell didn't the inventor of the iPad put arrows on the key pad so I can go back and fix misspelled words!?  I sat here tapping my finger on the screen for the past five minutes!  I almost broke my nail!
  Why can't people spell anymore?  Did they stop teaching spelling at school?  Or did they teach you to spell "you" with a "u"?  Damn we're lazy.  I mean we aren't even forced to hold pencils anymore we just push buttons and we can't even push more than one unless totally necessary?
I'm lazy.  Yesterday I prayed God would make 7-eleven see that it needed a drive through.  I wonder if he heard me.
  Why haven't we found a drug that makes kids sleep...something legal.  I'm tellin you if your holdin out on me I will hunt you down, steal all your magic drugs and beat you up.  I'm half Japanese, which means I automatically know karate and have ninja blood.
  Why are Japanese people so freakin cool!?  I mean really, I think their water is better or something.  They're healthier, smarter, and they dressed their prostitutes up in kimonos and white paint.  You had to actually train to be a geisha!  Maybe our politicians would be more helpful if our prostitutes trained and dressed in kimonos.
Just sayin'.... I don't know what I'm saying.

Tattooed granny

To all my fellow tattooed punks... Have you ever had someone say "you're gunna regret those tattoos when your old and wrinkled." to you as they cross their arms and look your tattoos up and down in disgust?
  Where do they get this theory exactly?  Is there something I'm missing?  Since when did being a tattooed granny/grandad become undesirable?  The way I see it, by the time I'm 70 or 80 I'll want to be covered in tats to scare off all the hooligans trying to jack me in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  I mean old people tend to be easy targets...  I think when I'm about 65 I'll get a tat across my chest that says, " I pushed two babies out of my vagina with no drugs...I'm crazy.". That otta keep 'em away.  But just in case I'll also keep a gun strapped on my hip... Something cute to compliment my moo moo.  Yes, I definitely plan on wearing moo moo's when I'm 65.  Sorry babe.
I'm just sayin' if your gunna hate on tattoos at least come up with a better reason, cause that one sucks.

What's that smell?

Hello.  My name is E and I fart.  Whew.  Glad I got that out of the way.  I wish I had done that 20 years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of stress and stomach cramps, that's for sure.  We all fart people, it's a fact of life.  Yes, a smelly fact but still a fact.
  Do you know how many times I had to cover up an accidental "put-put" in public?  You name it, I've done it.  You casually look around to see if anyone is making the stink face, praying everyone around you has a cold or was born with a horrible sense of smell so they don't figure you out.  And just when you think it's safe and the gas Gods got your back you realize your surrounded by your own thick cloud of fart.  I mean if it smells that bad to you it's got to be about 10times worse for everyone else.  And then you spring into action, quickly scrunch up your face and cover your nose with one hand while fanning around you with the other.  If you can't pretend it didn't happen just overreact and act completely offended that some disgusting person just had the audacity to fart IN PUBLIC!!  How gross!!
  Just for a second imagine if we lived in a world where farting was cool, even funny.  Oh wait!  Never mind just imagine your a dude!  Why is it that guys can act completely gross and obnoxious and it's somehow funny but let a girl pass a little wind and she's a dirty hoochie with no morals.  Wtf?  I mean I was in yoga the other day and this old guy just let's one loose in the middle of a pose and besides a few giggles nothing was said.  I have a feeling if I had been the one releasing toxins into the air every girl in that room would still be avoiding me.  I mean come on people lets be realistic here, girls have buttholes just like guys do and.... Yes I'm going to say it... Stuff comes out of them!  Stinky, smelly, ungirly-like stuff.  So just get over it.
We need a movement... Women we must unite.  Let's fight against this fart oppressing society and start a revolution!  Because lets face it, this clenching your butt cheeks together til your blue in the face shit gets old.  And honestly, I think all those times in school when I pretended to be beat boxing to play off the noise I just released from my ass, was just a waste of time.  I mean who randomly starts beat boxing in the middle of algebra anyway?  I can't even rap.
  We could call our new movement PFFF.  People For Farting Freedom.  Get it PFFF?  It's like a fart noise... Get it?  Whatever.
Anyway... Just sayin'.
  The next time you let one lose in public don't try to play it off or blame the poor schmuck sitting next to you. Just widen your eyes, drop your jaw, gasp and say, "Did you hear what that asshole just said!?"

Pansies

What's up with all these pansies?  Are there women out there who are seriously turned on by skinny jeans and swooping bangs?  (I'm talking about straight women here). How can anyone over the age of 12 look at Justin Bieber and think, "now he is hot." I mean seriously?  If you were my boyfriend, Justin I would punch you in the throat for thinking you're a stud when half the girls who like you could probably bench press more than you can.  I mean for real.  What does he weigh like 80lbs?  No offense to the skinny guys out there... Some skinny guys are strong but I just can't figure out what people think is so hot about this kid.  I mean damn, my voice is even deeper than his.  My 4year old daughter could kick his ass.  

  And what's up with all these metrosexual dudes?  Am I just old fashioned or what?  If a guy takes longer to do his hair than I do he deserves to get punched in the nuts.  What happened to tough, strong, dirty, sweaty men?  If I can't touch your hair cause it's styled and you smell better than I do than why don't I just say "fuck it" and become a lesbian?  They'd probably be better in bed than your pansie ass anyway.  (sorry Mom and Dad if your reading this). 

  Just so you know, this is all hypothetical since I'm married to a MAN who ,despite my best efforts , can still throw me over his shoulder and tickle me til I squeal like a little girl.  I'm just sayin'. 

Guys put down the hair gel and go find your balls.  PAHLEASE!!  

Coffee, oh how I love you!

   Have you ever woken up with a 4 year old standing 2 feet in front of you staring at your face?  Isn't it weird?  Sometimes I wonder if she has been up for hours sipping coffee and watching cartoons before she decided to come into my room and try to burn holes through my eyeballs with her stare.  Does she think since she doesn't say anything it doesn't count as waking Mommy up?  We have a strict rule in this house... Well I have a strict rule which no one around here seems to want to follow.  NO WAKING MOMMY UP!  Hello?  It's it that hard?  I mean surely my kids can find a way to entertain themselves for a few hours without needing my assistance.
  Everyone who knows me also knows I'm like an grizzly waking up from hibernation when I don't get enough sleep.  Get the hell out of my way and give me some damn coffee.  Which brings me to my second rule that no one likes to follow... No talking to mommy until she's had her coffee.
  I'm not sure when I became so dependent on coffee.  I used to be one of those people who just drank coffee to feel old and important.  Oh yea I remember... it all started the day after I decided to push out another 8lb baby and give up on the idea of ever getting another full night of uninterrupted sleep.  Duh... How could I forget that?
  Now every morning I stand in front of the coffee maker with one eye open cursing it under my breath.  'Come on you damn coffee maker can't you move any faster!?'.
  Don't judge me.  I know I could set the coffee maker the night before but after my kids go to bed I like to pretend I'm 21 again and drink beer.  Planning ahead would definitely ruin the fantasy.  And besides my coffee maker and I have a love/hate relationship.  I cuss at it and tell it it's useless and once it's done making my coffee I apologize and tell it how much I love it and how it's my most favorite appliance in the kitchen.  Careful to whisper so the microwave doesn't hear.  My microwave has a temper.
Anyway... Just sayin'. I like my coffee and my sleep.  But if I had to get rid of one I would most certainly take the sleep but since sleep decided to ditch me for someone younger who doesn't deserve it I've been forced to settle for coffee.  Don't tell the coffee maker I said that.  He's still upset about this morning. 

"just get a hobby"

I just finished watching Julie & Julia and it brought up a problem I've been having for a while now... what to do!?? I've noticed this seems to be a problem that many wives have. Whether they have jobs, children or neither there still seems to be a struggle when it comes to finding something that you enjoy doing, something that you love and something that you would enjoy doing everyday... just for yourself. And the funny thing is, I've never once found a man or husband with the same problem. If anything they always have TOO MANY hobbies and either can't find the time for all of them or can't afford them. So why is this? Are men programmed to always be busy with something? Are they the more selfish gender and while the women are too busy taking care of everyone else to think about what they want or would enjoy the men are off exploring everything and finding hobby after hobby? Or is it something else? Can it be that us WOMEN can actually learn something from men? Actually take some time for ourselves and try to find something we enjoy? But why is it that typical hobbies for men are things like working on cars, playing sports, fishing or playing video games (please notice I used the word "playing" twice). And for women it's usually things like cooking, sewing, knitting or crafts? I've always considered myself to be a pretty creative person but none of those things I just listed really appeal to me. And I've tried some of them. I do enjoy writing but to be honest it's hard to find things to write about when your day consists of working out, changing diapers, giving baths and folding laundry. So once again the phrase appears, "just get a hobby."
So now I need a hobby to help with my other hobby! And another thing is money... hobbies can get expensive!! Especially the ones I listed for men! What's up with that!? They should give hobby discounts at the store or something. Like if you bring old receipts with you to the store to prove it's really a hobby for you and you are passionate about it you get 25% off all merchandise related to it. I can think of a few people who would benefit from that.
So I guess I'll just continue on my search for my new hobby and maybe one day I'll find one and then I'll sit here writing blogs about how wonderful it is and how much it fulfills me and I'll be one of THEM. You know the ones who look at you with confusion all over their face when you tell them you're bored and then they reach over to comfort you and say those awe inspiring words..."just get a hobby."