Sometimes I wonder if my family knows how lucky they are to have me. I know what you're thinking... God Elaine, you're amazing! How could they not know!? Yea yea I know.
But I'm not talking about the mushy, "oh I love you so much! I'm so lucky to have you in my life." crap. What I mean is they're lucky I haven't run away or worse... Killed them. Well actually the only one who has to worry about being murdered is my husband... And that's only when he's asleep. My kids are too cute, their chubby cheeks and big eyes are their saving grace. I have a hard time even yelling at them without squeezing their faces and squealing, "God!! You're so freakin' cute I wanna eat your cheeks!!".
I wonder if they'll have complexes when they grow up. Probably.
So anyway... In my defense... I'm not some psycho who fantasizes about killing her husband in his sleep. It's actually his fault I feel this way. I mean what does he expect after 9 years of laying next to someone who snores so loud the walls shake!? He snores so loud he's actually woken himself up! He snores so loud that I actually wake up scared when he stops! One time I smothered him with my pillow just to shut him up. He's lucky he woke up. I also tried pinching his nose shut but the jerk snores even louder through his mouth! Uuggggh! I've tried yelling, "babe wake up!! Roll over!". But he just looks at me like I'm an annoying bitch and then turns his head. I said ROLL OVER not turn your fucking head!! ... Now you see why I want to kill him in his sleep. Love you babe. ;)
As for my kids... They just better be careful or one day Mommy may snap. My daughter can't even poop with the light on because apparently she doesn't even want to see herself while she's doing' the deed. But let me go in the bathroom and she sees it as her opportunity to ambush me with questions. I have to tell her if I'm pooping or peeing and then listen to her tell me about her favorite cartoon or color or whatever else she feels I should know before I finish.
And sometimes if I call on my ninja blood and successfully sneak past the kids and get in the bathroom alone my crazy ass dog, Nearco, rams his head into the bathroom door pushing it open and looks at me like he's gunna kick my ass. He doesn't like closed doors in his house. After he stares me down for a few seconds he slowly turns back around and walks out. Wtf?
And then there's my other dog, Saki. I swear she waits til my arms are full and I'm rushing around the house to mess with me. I bet she looks at Nearco and says " watch this." before getting right in front of me and stopping causing me to trip and stub my toe on the coffee table. My dogs probably know more cuss words than most of you. I love them to death but I know if I didn't feed them and walk them they would have suffocated me in my sleep. Actually I think Saki has tried it before... Her farts could suffocate a bear. Fo real.
I won't even get started on Shaun... He's only 1 and I have a feeling by the time he's 3 he'll be able to kick my ass so I don't want to say anything that might piss him off. Why do you think I've been working out so much?
So anyway... Just sayin'... My family better watch their back.