Monday, October 8, 2012

Family Treasure

Before I begin this blog I feel I should preface it with a little description of my Mother.  For those of you who are not lucky enough to know her, she is probably one of the funniest women in the world.  About 75% of her humor comes from the fact that she isn't even aware what she's saying is funny.

   So, on my son's 1st birthday we had a small party at our house .  My parents were there and so was my sister, Kristine.  I was standing in the kitchen cutting some veggies and my Dad was behind me.  I don't remember what we were talking about but apparently it wasn't exciting enough.  My Mom approaches my Dad and this is what I hear, "John I think it's time we show Matt and Elaine the family treasure.  They're old enough now.". My dad starts to chuckle and my eyes widen before I slowly turn to look at my parents.
"Dad, please whatever you do... Don't pull your pants down right now." my Dad's chuckle quickly turns into a full on laugh as my Mom continues to tell him to show us the "family treasure". She obviously didn't get my joke.  Now there's a sense on urgency in my mom's voice.  "Hurry!  We need to show them before everyone else gets here.  We can show them in the garage.  Elaine go tell Matt to hurry up we need to show you guys the family treasure!".
  I set my knife down and made my way to the bathroom where Matt was about to shower.  I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to tell him... That my parents wanted to show us the family treasure in the garage?  Luckily for me, my husband has had enough time to get used to my family.  He promised to be out in 10 minutes to join us in the garage.
  By this time I've had a chance to think about this.  Maybe my parents are sitting on a few bars of gold and have been waiting to tell us we are secretly millionaires!  Maybe they wanted to wait until we were old enough to really appreciate it, maybe they have diamonds!  So now I'm getting excited and curious.
  We're standing in my garage... Me, my parents, Matt and Kristine.  My Dad begins to explain that my Japanese Grandfather gave him something one night while drinking and he pulls out an old scroll.  My eyes widen... Oohhh...a family heirloom!  A Japanese family heirloom!  How cool!  My Dad proceeds to unroll the scroll and that's when I see it.  Porn.  Yes, my family heirloom is old, Japanese porn.
  Now I'm standing there looking at the scroll as my Mom begins to point out all the detail.  She explains how it was hand painted and very artistic...and all I see is bush.  A lot of bush.  I'm suddenly hyper aware of the fact that I'm standing next to my Dad and there is a scroll of porn laid out in front of us.  I quickly turn around and chant to myself, "You're  30.  You're 30.  You're 30!".
  When I turn back around Matt is on his phone looking up Antique Asian Erotic Scrolls and my sister is lighting up a cigarette.  I don't blame her.
  I look at my sister and we smile at each other and I know in that moment we are thinking the same thing and she's about to say it...
"this explains so much."
Finally our world begins to make sense.


  1. Lol.. so funny. That's my family. So glad Dad didn't pull down his pants. Lol sure glad I missed that one. Lol gotta b proud... Elaine I can definetly c the restraint. Lmao... loved it... keep em coming girl Cindy

  2. That is funny as shit !!!